BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript:
Gosh. Welcome all of you. Kane, Trippier. Rashford. Let’s draw a veil over last year’s unpleasantness. But those kids would have found food somewhere and you know it.
We boys have more in common than you might think. I’ve never had a proper job either, and I have my own WAG at home, blowing thousands on wallpaper that I’m f**king sick of.
Now, as I understand it, the game is to get the ball into the opponent’s goal. But there’s more to it than that. Let me introduce you to a thing Eton calls ‘gamesmanship’.
I notice that you only celebrate goals when you’ve actually scored them. Have you thought about celebrating a miss so enthusiastically you convince everyone it was actually a goal?
Or alternatively when you concede a penalty and look a chump, why not immediately start a hullabaloo about something else? A statue outside the ground or Meghan Markle?
And there’s no shame in losing. I lost two by-elections recently and didn’t care because the big one’s not until 2024. Likewise you may lose here and in Qatar, but you need to win in Germany in 2024 so I can ride the wave and get re-elected.
This game matters. There’s nothing closer to my heart than a politically-convenient cause I can back without any financial outlay.
So get out there and win it for England, and when I say England, I mean me. Jolly best of luck.