Boris Johnson's England team talk

BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript: 

Gosh. Welcome all of you. Kane, Trippier. Rashford. Let’s draw a veil over last year’s unpleasantness. But those kids would have found food somewhere and you know it.

We boys have more in common than you might think. I’ve never had a proper job either, and I have my own WAG at home, blowing thousands on wallpaper that I’m f**king sick of.

Now, as I understand it, the game is to get the ball into the opponent’s goal. But there’s more to it than that. Let me introduce you to a thing Eton calls ‘gamesmanship’.

I notice that you only celebrate goals when you’ve actually scored them. Have you thought about celebrating a miss so enthusiastically you convince everyone it was actually a goal?

Or alternatively when you concede a penalty and look a chump, why not immediately start a hullabaloo about something else? A statue outside the ground or Meghan Markle?

And there’s no shame in losing. I lost two by-elections recently and didn’t care because the big one’s not until 2024. Likewise you may lose here and in Qatar, but you need to win in Germany in 2024 so I can ride the wave and get re-elected.

This game matters. There’s nothing closer to my heart than a politically-convenient cause I can back without any financial outlay.

So get out there and win it for England, and when I say England, I mean me. Jolly best of luck.

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Scotland to have a bank holiday if England lose

SCOTLAND will be treated to an impromptu bank holiday this coming Monday if England are beaten by Italy, it has been confirmed.

With Boris Johnson considering an extra day off if England win Euro 2020, Nicola Sturgeon has announced that Scotland will be get a similar bonus holiday if Gareth Southgate’s men suffer a disappointing defeat.

Sturgeon said: “Scotland is the only team that hasn’t lost to England during this whole tournament, so technically a win for Italy is a win for us too.

“It’s not official yet because we don’t want to tempt fate and hand over victory to the Three Lions. But rest assured the wheels are in motion and we’re poised to make it happen the second the ref blows the full-time whistle.

“I expect our exclusive, short-notice holiday might rub England fans up the wrong way, but remember how you booed our national anthem when we went head-to-head? Karma’s a bitch.”

She added: “Actually, a single day might not be enough time for us to process our euphoric joy at England’s defeat. Better make it a whole week just to be safe.”