How to dodge an end-of-date kiss without openly saying 'F**k no!'

IT’S that magical moment when your awful date has come to an end. But the other person may want a kiss and you can’t say outright they haven’t got a f**king chance. What should you do?

Public transport is your friend

Few dates, no matter how freakish, are likely to lean in for a first smooch on a tube full of staring, lurching strangers. Also the harsh lighting shows up every skin flaw and generally makes you look ill and unappealing. When you reach your stop, simply shout ‘This is me then’ at the last second and fling yourself out of the closing doors. (Note: Don’t do this in Uber pools.)

Keep your distance

If your date leans forwards, you lean back. If they take a step toward you, go for a quick do-si-do. If they lunge for your mouth, bend your knees and duck as if someone’s thrown a brick at your head. Or just run off down the street at full pelt — if you bump into them again say you developed a sudden phobia of buildings or something. You’ll look deranged, but it’s not like you’re getting married. Although your date wouldn’t care if there was a chance of a shag.

Stay the f**k away from romance

Avoid any romantic shit you seen in a rom-com. Put your hair up so it can’t be tucked romantically behind an ear; keep your eyes closed, so nothing can get stuck in them and need gently removing. If it’s raining, stay the f**k inside – sharing an umbrella and frolicking in a storm with gay abandon is just too romantic. You need to tread carefully – including literally, so there’s no chance of you tripping and needing to be caught in loving, protective arms.

Fake a conspiracy theory

If you know any conspiracy theories, now is the time to whip them out. Even the most sex-starved date will question your suitability as a snog/shag/partner when you start prattling on about Covid being a lie to cover up human sacrifices by Hillary and her satanist buddies. Of course, if they turn out to be a 5G anti-vax nutter too, you’ll be desirable beyond words. Try to enjoy the compliment.

Just say ‘F**k no!’

If they’re really determined to get that brief, overly-optimistic kiss, you’ll have to ditch the kindness and tell them straight up that you’re not feeling it. In Britain there’s nothing more socially deviant than being honest about what you think, so they’ll instantly brand you a freak and get the hell away.

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Woman uses 'dead time' while boyfriend talks to think of what she'll say next

A WOMAN is kindly pretending to listen to her partner’s inane ramblings while deciding what to say next about herself.

Charlotte Phelps’ eyes have been glazed over in private contemplation since her boyfriend Nathan began talking in a way that serves no purpose for her or the rest of humanity around four minutes ago.

Phelps explained: “I find that as long as I nod and emit the odd ‘hmm’ noise every now and then, Nathan doesn’t notice that I’m not taking in a single word he says. 

“I find this mode of conversing really useful in keeping our relationship alive. My love for Nathan is boosted by not having to listen to his boring opinions about his boss Gail, a superficial assessment of Joe Biden’s visit to Ireland, and a recent traumatic incident involving being served an almost cold poppadum.

“Sorry, he’s about to finish making mouth sounds. Time to discuss buying some new boots.”

Boyfriend Nathan Muir said: “To be honest I barely process a word Charlotte says about shampoo or whatever. We’re very compatible like that.

“Actually I don’t know if I’ve ever listened to a complete sentence from anyone. When I’m not talking, I mostly just think about really violent bits from films on a loop.”