IT’S that magical moment when your awful date has come to an end. But the other person may want a kiss and you can’t say outright they haven’t got a f**king chance. What should you do?
Public transport is your friend
Few dates, no matter how freakish, are likely to lean in for a first smooch on a tube full of staring, lurching strangers. Also the harsh lighting shows up every skin flaw and generally makes you look ill and unappealing. When you reach your stop, simply shout ‘This is me then’ at the last second and fling yourself out of the closing doors. (Note: Don’t do this in Uber pools.)
Keep your distance
If your date leans forwards, you lean back. If they take a step toward you, go for a quick do-si-do. If they lunge for your mouth, bend your knees and duck as if someone’s thrown a brick at your head. Or just run off down the street at full pelt — if you bump into them again say you developed a sudden phobia of buildings or something. You’ll look deranged, but it’s not like you’re getting married. Although your date wouldn’t care if there was a chance of a shag.
Stay the f**k away from romance
Avoid any romantic shit you seen in a rom-com. Put your hair up so it can’t be tucked romantically behind an ear; keep your eyes closed, so nothing can get stuck in them and need gently removing. If it’s raining, stay the f**k inside – sharing an umbrella and frolicking in a storm with gay abandon is just too romantic. You need to tread carefully – including literally, so there’s no chance of you tripping and needing to be caught in loving, protective arms.
Fake a conspiracy theory
If you know any conspiracy theories, now is the time to whip them out. Even the most sex-starved date will question your suitability as a snog/shag/partner when you start prattling on about Covid being a lie to cover up human sacrifices by Hillary and her satanist buddies. Of course, if they turn out to be a 5G anti-vax nutter too, you’ll be desirable beyond words. Try to enjoy the compliment.
Just say ‘F**k no!’
If they’re really determined to get that brief, overly-optimistic kiss, you’ll have to ditch the kindness and tell them straight up that you’re not feeling it. In Britain there’s nothing more socially deviant than being honest about what you think, so they’ll instantly brand you a freak and get the hell away.
