How to get just the right amount of drunk on a date

22nd June 2022

TOO much booze and you’ll remember nothing; too little and you’ll see your date for who they really are. Here’s how to get your level of drunkenness just right:

Line your stomach

A difficult balance. If you arrive after eating nothing but a few crisps you found at the bottom of your rucksack, the first drinks could make you cackle like a lunatic or become horribly morose. Stuff yourself at Subway on the way and you’ll be horribly sober, able to take in everything your date has to say about their work paintballing trip and any chance of romance will die.

Go for a sharpener

There’s nothing more unprofessional than turning up to a date stone cold sober. In order to be more relaxed and a bit less ‘yourself’, calling into a pub for a quick sharpener on the way is a must. Just limit yourself to one. Or two. Not more than three. Otherwise there’s a high chance the only thing you’ll be snogging at the end of the night is the bar you’ll soon be slumped on.

Hydrate

The old trick of having a glass of water between every alcoholic drink is a good way of keeping yourself on the right side of alcohol oblivion. The only problem is you’ll need excellent bladder control. Incontinence isn’t a great look for a first date. Or your date will think you’ve got a far dodgier problem if you religiously head to the loos every 20 minutes.

Take a hip flask

This isn’t the 1920s so a water bottle will do, or any receptacle full of vodka. That way if the date’s a shitshow and you need more alcohol than you can reasonably consume in front of your date, you can top up in secret. It might set you on the path to alcoholism, but if your date insists on talking about their gym routine/car/ISAs it’s worth it.

Throw caution to the wind

Saying ‘f**k it’ and getting plastered will mark you out as a fun-loving free spirit. And if you just look like a hopeless lush you won’t remember much of it anyway. On the tiny off-chance that things go well for once you’ll be incapable of performing in the bedroom, but at least you can blame it on those tequila shots and not just your total incompetence at sex.

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Middle class child in gastropub orders off-menu

22nd June 2022

A BRATTY middle-class child in a gastropub has ordered off-menu with the full approval of his dreadful parents, it has emerged.

Nine-year-old Joshua Hudson was shown the children’s options at the Plough & Dragon in Norfolk but instead asked for three venison sausages with butter-braised cabbage and port-and-rosemary gravy.

Waiter Tom Booker said: “When they came in half an hour late from a country walk with their expensive outdoor gear and bloody labrador I instantly thought: ’Here we f**king go.’

“We’re a simple country pub but we’ve built up a bit of a reputation for our kitchen over the last few years so naturally we’re a magnet for twats. I tell you what, though, this lot were next-level.

“First the boy wants to sit at the big table for seven, but we were too busy. That got his tits up. Then I handed him the kid’s menu and he looked at me like I’d thrown down a snotty napkin before saying ‘Do you have venison sausages?’

“I said I could check with the kitchen but he said ‘Well you’re not going to check with the chancellor of the exchequer are you?’ His mum decided this merited a photo, including my red face, and his dad said ‘You’ll be on 8 Out of 10 Cats at this rate, Josh’. He won’t.

“And guess who came up to the bar two hours later with his dad’s debit card to settle the tab? Oh yes, I shit you not.”

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