Brand name baked beans: Five purchases that will now bankrupt you

22nd June 2022

POPPING to the shops for a few bits? Be careful. Adding these items to your basket could now ruin you financially.

Brand name baked beans

You were warned against buying brand name goods by the government for a reason. Now, thanks to soaring per cent inflation, scanning a tin of Heinz at the self-checkout will make it display an error message and set off an alarm. You’ll then be given a thorough credit check. Fail it and Sainsbury’s staff will take you round the back for a beating. Stick to budget own-brand next time.

A pint of milk

Not knowing the price of a pint of milk is a common sign you’re out of touch with reality. But now you’ll be studying the price like a hawk to decide whether you can afford the insane luxury of Weetabix with milk instead of dry. The alternatives don’t help either. Vegan milk costs a sodding fortune and tastes like shit. But as anyone who’s ever bought some will attest, one carton lasts bloody ages.

Bread

Bread’s got grain in it, which used to cost f**k all. Thanks to Putin though the price has spiralled out of control. By the time you get from the bread aisle to the checkout its value will have multiplied exponentially and you’ll be forced to remortgage your home to complete the transaction. Then you’ll still need to find 10p for the plastic bag, only it will be £75 by now.

Petrol

Petrol wasn’t cheap to begin with. Thanks to inflation though it feels like you’re pouring liquid gold into your car. You’d take a petrol can to the pumps and panic buy if you could but you’re not on £250,000 a year. You’re helping the planet by driving less and you’re super-fit from walking everywhere, but once your shoes wear out you’ll have to stay at home for the rest of your life, surviving by eating bits of carpet.

Anything, really

Pretty much everything that’s goods or services now costs a fortune. Topping up your electricity key will send you into the red. A steak will make the supermarket till give off steam and explode. Picking up a meal deal will result in your home getting repossessed by the bank. Your best bet is to spend your last bit of cash on a tent and go live in the wilderness. Rainwater and beetles are nutritious and free.

Five inspirational songs that don't relate to your life in any way

22nd June 2022

MANY songs are heartfelt tributes to people who’ve inspired you. But what if the losers in your life only inspire boredom and indifference? These tunes all become a bit irrelevant…

You Raise Me Up – Westlife

Sample irrelevant lyric:

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders / You raise me up to more than I can be

Who in your life ‘raises you up’? Your boss? He bollocks you for highlighting documents in pink instead of green. Your partner just does everyday partner stuff like loading the dishwasher and sometimes having sex. They’re not Nelson f**king Mandela. Even Westlife’s song is a cover version, suggesting you should play it safe and make money from other people’s talent. Inspirational stuff indeed.

Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler

Sample irrelevant lyric:

Did you ever know that you’re my hero? / And everything I would like to be

Bette’s epic could be dedicated to your ever-supportive partner. That’s assuming they’re in any way supportive. And they might be a coward, not a hero. They could even be a high-maintenance bastard who saps your will to live. That’s not really ‘everything I would like to be’.

The most heroic thing anyone’s done for you recently is that stranger who helpfully held a door open for you, and applying it to them feels like excessive praise. Best to just use it sarcastically, eg. for the driver of that BMW that didn’t stop when you were on a pedestrian crossing.

Hero – Mariah Carey

Sample irrelevant lyric:

Look inside you and be strong / And you’ll finally see the truth / That a hero lies in you

Heroes again. However a hero does not lie inside you. When you see your elderly dad struggling to polish his car you don’t pick up a rag and muck in. It’s boring, you can’t be arsed, and the sneaky old git would just say ‘That’s the spirit’ and f**k off inside.

And that’s not even something particularly heroic. If you were called upon to do something genuinely brave, such as fighting in a war, you’d ‘look inside you’, notice the large number of heroes getting killed, and ‘see the truth’, which is that the army needs admin staff based far away from any fighting.

Proud – Heather Small

Sample irrelevant lyric:

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Heather reminds us that making a small change could put us on a path to being a less shit version of ourselves. So really it’s advice to set the bar low. Whether it’s not eating food from the bin, not tutting every time someone asks you a question, or simply not saying ‘burp’ when you burp, you can make a difference today. However, there’s no mention of tomorrow in the song, so if Heather can’t keep up the commitment past today, don’t feel obliged yourself.

I Have Nothing – Whitney Houston

Sample irrelevant lyric:

Don’t walk away from me / I have nothing, nothing, nothing / If I don’t have you

Worryingly, if your partner’s singing Whitney’s sorrowful ballad but not making eye contact or holding your hand they may be talking about someone else.

Adulterer or not, your partner knows that if you walk away, you’ll be back from the pub in a couple of hours like a pissed boomerang wobbling its way home. And she won’t ‘have nothing’ if she doesn’t have you, she’ll have a clean loo, no fear of you saying something embarrassing when people visit, and the cat’s unconditional love and support.