BEEN single for ages but somehow miraculously got yourself a date? Follow middle-aged singleton Tom Logan’s five-point guide to making sure you don’t f**k it up.
It’s a lot of effort, but she’ll appreciate it if you’ve gone to all the trouble of having a shower. Be sure to have a good scrub-up down below – you wouldn’t want to ruin your chances of a blowjob by having a cheesy soldier on parade. Remember – Brut and Lynx Arica are no longer your friends. A squirt of Aldi own-brand deodorant down your boxers and you’re good to go.
Pimp your chatter
Women aren’t interested in how fascinating you are and, being selfish, prefer to talk about themselves. Ask about her instead and let her prattle on while you watch the football on the pub TV over her shoulder. She’ll hardly notice until it’s time for her to get her round in at half-time. She’ll think you’re such a caring, compassionate soul you’ll have a nailed-on shag.
Don’t sound disappointed she’s the same age as you
Remember, this is all about getting back in the saddle, so it’s fine if she’s not a 25-year-old blonde. Think of it as a pre-season friendly which doesn’t matter so long as you manage a bit of match practice. Get it right and you’ll be banging women young enough to be your daughter before you can say ‘Leonardo DiCaprio’.
Test the waters
It’s worth assessing the likelihood of getting laid early on before you waste too much time and effort. Try cupping her arse as you’re first standing at the bar. If she recoils in disgust or threatens to call the police, she may not be that into you, so you may as well cut your losses and leave. Dating is really just an exercise in cost-effectiveness, like a spreadsheet in the office.
Go home and have a wank
If you get nothing more than a polite peck on the f**king cheek, all is not lost. Get home, whack Pornhub on and give the leathery eel a good grapple while you can still remember what she looks like and the aroma of her perfume. It’s not your fault she turned out to be frigid.