How to go on your first date since the divorce: A guide for middle-aged men

BEEN single for ages but somehow miraculously got yourself a date? Follow middle-aged singleton Tom Logan’s five-point guide to making sure you don’t f**k it up.

Prepare correctly

It’s a lot of effort, but she’ll appreciate it if you’ve gone to all the trouble of having a shower. Be sure to have a good scrub-up down below – you wouldn’t want to ruin your chances of a blowjob by having a cheesy soldier on parade. Remember – Brut and Lynx Arica are no longer your friends. A squirt of Aldi own-brand deodorant down your boxers and you’re good to go.

Pimp your chatter

Women aren’t interested in how fascinating you are and, being selfish, prefer to talk about themselves. Ask about her instead and let her prattle on while you watch the football on the pub TV over her shoulder. She’ll hardly notice until it’s time for her to get her round in at half-time. She’ll think you’re such a caring, compassionate soul you’ll have a nailed-on shag.

Don’t sound disappointed she’s the same age as you

Remember, this is all about getting back in the saddle, so it’s fine if she’s not a 25-year-old blonde. Think of it as a pre-season friendly which doesn’t matter so long as you manage a bit of match practice. Get it right and you’ll be banging women young enough to be your daughter before you can say ‘Leonardo DiCaprio’.

Test the waters

It’s worth assessing the likelihood of getting laid early on before you waste too much time and effort. Try cupping her arse as you’re first standing at the bar. If she recoils in disgust or threatens to call the police, she may not be that into you, so you may as well cut your losses and leave. Dating is really just an exercise in cost-effectiveness, like a spreadsheet in the office.

Go home and have a wank

If you get nothing more than a polite peck on the f**king cheek, all is not lost. Get home, whack Pornhub on and give the leathery eel a good grapple while you can still remember what she looks like and the aroma of her perfume. It’s not your fault she turned out to be frigid.

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Man invoices employer for how much he'd have drunk if he went to works do

A MAN unable to attend his office Christmas party has invoiced his employer for the amount he would have drunk if he had.

Martin Bishop of Wrexham cannot attend today’s company-wide event because he has a prior family arrangement, so has requested the monetary value of the alcohol he would have consumed, totalling £368.25.

He said: “Ask any of the lads in Legal, I’m quite a drinker. And it’s a fancy hotel so booze won’t come cheap.

“F**k the cost of the meal, I’m happy to forego that. But put me down for two bottles of champagne minimum. More if the CEO gets carried away in his speech.

“After that it’s cocktails and they’re a tenner each and mostly ice so I down them fast. Honestly, £100 in there and I’ve barely got a buzz on.

“By that point the lightweights and those with families they like enough to go home to have faded away and it’s down to the hardcore, all clustered around Mike who has the company card. We’d keep going until 3am easy. Hence the bill.”

Nikki Hollis of accounts said: “I’ve passed it for payment. And I’ve got HR to put a written warning in the post, because if Martin had sunk that much he’d have grabbed my arse.”