THERE’S nothing guaranteed to complicate your sex life more than a weekend with your partner’s mum and dad. Here’s how to navigate this social and sexual minefield.
Be creepily polite
If you’re male, be unnervingly polite at all times. In some strange way this is an unspoken apology for banging their child. It’s not clear how it works, or if it’s all in your head, but it’s infinitely preferable to saying, ‘Sorry about putting my penis in your daughter, Graham.’
Try to ignore the fact that you’re in a teenager’s bedroom
You may well be staying in your partner’s old bedroom, possibly still containing teenage posters and old toys like teddy bears and My Little Ponies. It’ll take a lot of mental strength to focus on sex in this room without feeling like a pervert, and even then you’ll never be able to look Rainbow Dash in the face again. She knows what you’ve done.
Have abnormally quiet sex
It’s only when you try to have sex silently that you realise how hard it is. The bed makes unexpected noises like the headboard tapping the wall, and remaining near-silent feels really unnatural. Try giving a thumbs-up to indicate sexual arousal – it’s better than nothing. Overall there’s not much you can do, though, so turn it into a sexual fantasy about having sex with Emily Blunt or John Krasinski in A Quiet Place.
Go out with someone with rich parents
The above can be avoided by dumping your loving partner in favour of someone with wealthy parents so you’ve got a distant bedroom of a massive house to shag in. It’s extremely heartless and cruel, but think how big their TV will be.
Go to bed as quickly as possible
Bedtime raises raises the obvious question: ‘What filthy, depraved acts will they get up to?’ This painfully awkward moment will be prolonged by mum quadruple-checking if you need another eiderdown in July. By the time you get to bed you’re so convinced you’re about to engage in sickening sexual perversions Max Hardcore would balk at it’s a bit of a disappointment when your partner nods off instantly due to the long drive.
Have sex on the floor
Doing it on the floor is much quieter than in a creaky bed. However, if you’re not quite as supple as you once were, don’t make so much noise awkwardly clambering to your feet that you may as well have shouted ‘Great sex with your daughter just now, Mr Lomax!’ through the wall.
Remember to have sex with your partner, not your mother-in-law
If Deidre’s Casebook in the Sun is to believed, this happens all the time with foxy mums-in-law trapped in loveless marriages. However you’re opening a Pandora’s Box that would make the actual Pandora’s Box look like a minor wasp infestation, so don’t. And let’s be honest, what Deidre’s Casebook neglects to mention is that the mums-in-law in question probably look less like Anne Bancroft and more like Dustin Hoffman.
