How to land your dream short, bald guy

ARE you a gorgeous woman who dreams of nabbing your very own Danny DeVito? Your unconventional tastes call for unconventional tactics: 

Don’t be ashamed

There are plenty of reasons why you might be into vertically and follically challenged chaps. Perhaps your father was one. Shout your sexual preference from the rooftops without shame, and incidentally, rooftops are a great place to spot the sun bouncing off a potential mate’s pate. It’s win-win.

Choose your hunting ground

It’s not just golf clubs and Travelodges these days. Sexy slapheads can now be found in all walks of life — banking, journalism, politics, medicine or anywhere else men try to overcompensate. That said if you’re playing the numbers game, roadside burger vans are still your best bet.

Hate on tall, hairy men

Short men are naturally bitter and jealous. So, if strapping guys with luscious locks aren’t for you, win favour with the dimunutive by bullying them. Slip in jibes like ‘How’s the weather up there?’, and ask if they need to put a lot of product in to keep their coiffure buoyant. Your short king will be thrilled and aroused by your allyship.

Boost your man’s confidence

While it’s important to drag other men down, you can also bolster your toy boy’s self-worth by talking non-stop about how hot you find him. Boost his confidence with comments about how he’s got more hair on his back than they’ve got on their heads, and emphasise how much you love being able to throw him around like a rag doll in the bedroom.

Take him on appropriate dates

It’s important to think about what kind of first date setting suits the short. You wouldn’t take a teetotaller to a tequila bar, and nor should you take a stubby fellow to anything involving high shelves or removing hats. Be kind. Wait until vintage car rallies are allowed again, so he can show you off among his own people.

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Husband magically stops wife complaining by actually doing the thing she's asked

A MAN has managed to get his wife to stop moaning by doing the thing she was asking him to do. 

Nathan Muir had been getting eararche for months and had tried everything from ignoring it to making vague sounds of reassurance when he hit upon the radical, untested tactic of actually taking action to address the issue.

He said: “She’s been on since January, non-stop. And no matter what I did – leave the room, change the channel, go to the shed – it carried on.

“So, as a last resort really, I tried listening to the words she was saying, realised they were describing the act of taking the dead Christmas tree outside the back door to the tip, took a crazy leap of faith and did it.

“The difference has been incredible. She’s been upbeat, almost happy, and amazingly hasn’t mentioned the tree once. I haven’t seen her this far from fuming in years.

“Is women’s psychology this basic? Does me doing something other than finish work, open crisps and watch Ozark genuinely make her that happy? I feel like, ten years in, I’ve finally mastered marital bliss.

“This ‘doing things’ business is really coming up roses for me. Maybe if I lay off the PlayStation next weekend and move that broken lawnmower she’s been going on about for a decade, she’d consider a shag.”