How to make friends without getting pissed together

SINCE the age of 14, the only way to forge new bonds has been to get shitfaced with someone until you’re suddenly best mates.

But what if new responsibilities, career choices or health issues make that impossible? Try these:

Have kids

Children force you to spend time in groups, be they ante-natal classes or vicious school-gate cliques. You’re already all miserable for the same reasons and desperate for conversation that isn’t about poo or Fortnite. Friendship is only a long moan away.

Start a hobby

Whether it’s knitting, hiking or dogging, shared interests always help. The ice will be well and truly broken once you’ve stood side-by-side in a secluded car park watching an overweight couple go at it bareback in the boot of a Renault Scenic.

Force yourself to talk to colleagues

Mainly they’re scum, but there must be at least one person at work who doesn’t make you want to poke your own eyes out with a biro. Sorting the wheat from the chaff will take time, but you’ll end up with a kindred spirit to bitch about Phil and his fucking Fantasy Football.

Get a dog

People who own dogs always love other people who own dogs, regardless of whether they’re social deviants or serial killers. Endlessly picking up dogshit is a small price to pay for two ten-minute chats a day.

Take drugs

If you can’t use alcohol for Dutch courage, why not boost your confidence levels with a small, manageable drug habit? Bosh a bit of MDMA and even the most unapproachable stranger becomes your best friend.

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I'm not even dipping a toe in that f**king mess, says Queen

THE Queen has responded to Brexiter calls to dissolve parliament by clarifying she is going nowhere near that shitstorm. 

The monarch, who technically has the right to overrule parliament’s decision and appoint a new government, has confirmed that she does not intend to do so within the next million years.

She continued: “I’ve kept schtum for 67 years, and now’s the moment you want me to step in? Uh-uh. No bloody way.

“You choose the government. I appoint a government. The government does the job. I don’t see any clauses demanding I fix everyone else’s cock-ups.

“I didn’t make a fuss when my whole empire, which I quite liked by the way, was frittered away. I didn’t start throwing the toys about when we became lapdogs for America. I kept quiet when you sold my yacht.

“So I’m going to sit on my throne and watch with interest as you try and dig yourselves out of this hole. Three words: Not. My. Problem. End of.”

She added: “Do you want Charles in charge? Yeah. Exactly.”