How to make it clear that a present you've gifted was more expensive that it looks

JUST dropped £65 on a special candle and you’re worried the recipient won’t realise how much you spent? Here’s how to be unsubtle about it:

Leave the price on

The easiest way to make sure your treasured friend knows how much of your wages you wasted on them is to leave the price tag on. If the gift was so fancy that there was no price attached, get some labels and stick it on yourself. Once your friend has unwrapped it and gasped appropriately, snatch it from them with a hammy cry of ‘Oh, don’t look! Don’t look!’

Tell them they can change it

‘The receipt’s in the bag’ you tell them innocently, ‘so you can change it if you want’. Make sure it’s not a gift receipt, so that the price is clearly stated, and why not highlight it in fluorescent yellow pen? Just so they really understand how much they mean to you, in monetary terms.

Tell a long, tedious story about when you bought it

Not happy with a quick thanks before the conversation moves on, you have to tell a long story about your gift-buying adventure, which involved a lengthy drive to a city with a big shopping centre and a day spent walking around a series of luxury shops. Even if they don’t know the exact amount you spent, they’ll feel appropriately guilty by the time you’ve shut up.

Be blunt

If they still aren’t showing an acceptable level of appreciation for your incredible kindness, just tell them it cost £65, actually, and they’re being incredibly rude. List all the presents you’ve bought them in the past and compare those to the bits of crap they gave you in return, before storming out. Your friendship is ruined, but at least you’ll never have to get them a gift again.

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Screwed, shafted or f**ked? Britain asked

BRITAIN has been asked to choose between leaders who will either screw them, shaft them or f**k them, it has emerged.

With no decent options left, the country has been offered a prime minister from a dismal array of contenders who will inevitably run it into the ground in one way or another.

A government spokesperson said: “I know, I know, but this is all we’ve got. Cover your eyes and point to one if that makes it easier. It’s the same result either way.

“How about this guy? Years of experience as chancellor, chucked you a few quid during lockdown, revealed his nasty side during the last leadership race when you turned him down. He’s over it now and raring to go.

“Or there’s this one. Probably as bad as the rest but still a bit of a mystery. One for the dads, or at least the ones who will jump at the chance to cast their vote based on who looks good in a swimsuit.

“You’re already familiar with the other choice so I’ll spare you the details. He’s high risk, low reward but that’s what we’re down to. Just be grateful Rees-Mogg isn’t in the running.

“If there was another choice where everyone could have their say then I’d offer it to you. But there isn’t, so shut the f** up and stop asking.”