Friend you know you can always turn to in a crisis avoiding your calls

A WOMAN who knows she can always rely on her best friend as a comforting shoulder to cry on has worn that privilege out.

Emma Bradford, who has been best friends with Helen Archer since primary school, has rung her 17 times in the last two days and is perplexed as to why she won’t pick up.

Bradford said: “It’s odd. We’ve been inseparable for 20 years and she’s always been there throughout the slow motion car crash that is my life, but now she won’t come running the second I demand it.

“I know she’s getting married next weekend and her son has been ill, but that still doesn’t explain why she won’t drop everything to spend an evening consoling me after I’ve been dumped by someone who was obviously a prick when I met him.

“I better pop round and check she’s ok. I’ll drink a bottle of wine first though, just to make sure I’m such a weepy, incapable mess that she won’t feel able to send me away again.”

Helen Archer said: “I’d sit her down and explain about boundaries but I just haven’t got the time. So we’ll have to spend the evening sitting at home with the lights off in case she turns up.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Big fat blonde ex after rebound sex

YOUR big fat blonde cheating lying bastard of an ex has heard you are single again and has put in a call.

The ex, who treated you like shit then straight up told you to your face he had not until he was found out again, assumes that as a few weeks have passed since he was dumped he is now completely forgiven.

Helen Archer of Hinckley said: “That wanker. Nothing for a month-and-a-half until he hears the coast’s clear, then he’s straight in with a text.

“Selfie of him in the Caribbean – how he’s affording that I don’t know, and isn’t he meant to be working? – saying ‘thinking of you we were so great together babes xx’ and I’m meant to fall into his arms.

“Yes, the last relationship didn’t work out. Yes, I’m a magnet for big-promising shitheads who blow my money on piss-all. Yes I’m ashamed of myself. But come on.

“It was only July I kicked you out. I’m still finding red wine stains and used condoms under sofa cushions. I’ve still got the letter from the STI clinic. No. Just f**king no.”

The ex texted back ‘flying back in today rly need to see you let’s meet up wstmnstr?? xxx’.