General election would be irresponsible, says party that just elected inept chainsaw-juggling unicyclist

THE party that chose an amateur chainsaw-juggler to perform her act on the roof of a burning orphanage believes a general election would be dangerous and irresponsible.

Conservatives, who decided to throw a non-driver the keys to a Lamborghini Huracan even though she was pissed, have agreed that Britain simply cannot risk an election right now.

Susan Traherne, member for Bury St Edmunds, said: “This is nothing to do with that girl we gave a flamethrower to and sent into the library. This is serious.

“And a general election now, while this country is battling on fronts as diverse as inflation, Ukraine, energy bills and not liking the Tories? It would be wrong to consider it.

“Yes, we did just strap Truss and Kwarteng into a fighter jet and tell them to have fun, but allowing the electorate their say on a new prime minister? It would be suicidal.

“They say they want a general election, but the last woman said she wanted a low-tax high-growth economy which is why we were cool with letting her play drums on the National Bomb Collection. Look how that worked out.

“No, the party who released tigers into your children’s primary school is putting safety first. No election for a year.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Whirling carousel of disintegrating insanity the new normal

A SCREAMING whirlpool of burning shit and ruined futures worsening day by day is the new normal, Britain has confirmed. 

Today’s events, in which a prime minister has resigned in less time than it took to elect her while a headless government shrieks like a sodomised chicken, are now considered pretty much par for the course.

Tom Logan of Battersea said: “Yeah, it’s kind of like being locked in an out-of-control rollercoaster spiralling down into the maw of an active volcano while the passengers murder each other. After a while you get used to it.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not constantly anxious, terrified and prone to panic attacks, because I am. But that’s a rational reaction to living in the deteriorating Hironymous Bosch theme park lunatic asylum of modern Britain, so it’s no biggie.

“New prime minister? Fine. Same as the old one we all hated? Whatever. Covid on the rise? Recession entered? Blackouts in the depths of winter? I expect it.

“I mean I’m not blameless. Just last week it all got to me a bit and I ran howling down the high street naked, speaking in tongues and wielding twin machetes. Nobody held it against me.

“We’re all mad here. I think I’ll vote Tory again next time. Why not?”