The anti-growth coalition will f**k you up

THE anti-growth coalition has well and truly proven that if you call them out they will f**k you up.

The coalition, which comprises of every political party that is not the Conservatives along with unions, vested interests and 70s art-rockers Talking Heads, has toppled a prime minister in a record 44 days.

Nathan Muir of Halifax said: “Wow. These people are motherf**king hardcore.

“I’d never heard of them until last month and I’ll be honest, I thought they were a load of made-up bollocks from a paranoid extremist. Boy was I wrong.

“They’ve got Truss’s head dangling from the belt and they still want more. Maybe it was them got rid of Johnson, too, and May. And Cameron. And Brown and Blair.

“They make the Sinaloa Cartel look like a knitting circle, the Yakuza like tits, the Mafia like a pub darts team. They topple empires. They change reality with a snap of their fingers.

“Wait, Brexit deniers are part of it? I’m one of those. F**k with me at your peril, bitches. AGC for life.”

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Why everyone else makes a fortune selling their clothes online, but you won't

SOME people make so much money selling old clothes that they can quit their jobs. Here’s why you won’t become one of them.

You have horrible clothes

The people cashing in are the ones who have decent clothes to sell. Vintage or designer stuff they’ve spent good money on. Nobody in their right mind would be interested in that lime green pleather trench coat you mistakenly thought was ‘fun’, or the bashed-up old Converse that are so smelly you have to keep them outside the front door.

You can’t be arsed

Are you really going to spend your evenings and weekends writing detailed descriptions of baggy old jumpers? Squeezing into clothes that don’t fit you anymore to take photos? Queuing up at the post office during your lunch hour? No, you’re far too lazy to be arsed with all that.

You never see things through

You’re much better at talking a big game about doing things than you are actually doing them. The furthest you’ll get is taking everything out of the wardrobe and piling it on the bed. Then you’ll get bored and go and watch telly, while your partner seethes about the almighty f**king mess you’ve made.

You can’t part with your stuff

Your wardrobe is heaving with stuff you’ve owned since 1995, but when you try to Marie Kondo your way through it, you find everything brings you joy. You know that one day you’ll lose enough weight to fit into the Britney-style rubber jumpsuit you wore to a fancy dress party two decades ago, so it would be a tragedy to get shot of it.

It’s all a lie, anyway

Whatever those friendly eBay and Depop adverts keep telling you, it’s actually very hard to make money selling old clothes. However, make sure you keep telling your partner otherwise so that when you next come home with a massive bag of Primark tat you can assure them you’ll make a killing flogging it on in a couple of months.