How to not get dumped by a partner way better than you deserve

YOU know it. Everyone knows it. You’re involved with someone who’s way more attractive than you and it can’t last. But take heart – here’s how to postpone the inevitable.

Spend spend spend

Throw whatever money you have into boosting your low status. Overrated fashionable restaurants, designer clothes and a BMW you can’t afford are all good purchasing decisions. Then spoil your partner rotten until you run out of cash. It’s this sort of thing that a healthy relationship is based on.

Take the initiative

Turn the tables by threatening to dump your partner. Suggest that friends say you deserve better. This will bewilder your much-better half into believing you’re a great catch. That’s the theory, anyway. They may just be shocked by this unpleasant side to you and tell you to piss off forever.

Inherit money that may be fictional

Fibbing that you’re due to inherit a large sum of money may put your dumping on hiatus. Don’t worry about the ethics – you’re only lying because you fancy them, and what could be more romantic than that? Don’t get carried away though – claiming to be Richard Branson’s lovechild throws up tricky questions and may lead to nightmare scenarios like your partner thinking you’ll be pleased because they’ve engaged a lawyer for a paternity test.

Fake an illness or injury

It’s hard to chuck an ill person. But you can’t really choose a serious illness unless you’re a psychopath, and it’ll have to be something that doesn’t involve injections which might kill you. Unfortunately this only leaves you crappy ailments like a sprained ankle which will buy you two weeks at most, and man flu, worth as little as ten seconds. And irritable bowel syndrome just isn’t sexy.

Morph into one

Couples that wear matching clothes, have the same hobbies and finish each other’s sentences must be soulmates, right? Actually this is a risky strategy. Strangers will think you’re wankers, and if you go too far – eg. getting the same hairstyle – it may result in a restraining order.

Fabricate a more exciting side to yourself

Give the impression you lead a double life. Drop hints about working for the government, book a cheap EasyJet flight to Zurich and change your mum’s contact name in your phone to ‘Z’. Or pretend you were in the SAS despite being woefully unfit. Just one caveat – it’ll be pretty obvious you’re a sad fantasist, so make sure your partner is frighteningly gullible.

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What those 'Live, Laugh, Love' signs would say if they were telling the truth

DOES a friend have a house full of pukey little signs saying things like ‘Family is where the heart is’? Here’s what they’d say if they were honest.

‘Dream big’

Dream big, but strictly in a realistic way. Because it’s just possible you’re not actually going to live in a 16th century farmhouse in the Cotswolds with the money you made from being a famous influencer on Instagram.

‘This kitchen is seasoned with love’

This kitchen is seasoned with ketchup, some oven chips you kicked under the cooker and a jar of horrifically out-of-date horseradish sauce which has been inside the fridge door for four years.

‘All a marriage needs is love’

All a marriage needs is for neither party to snore. That’s it.

‘Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life’

Find a job you love, but only if you’ve got rich parents and can survive being paid a pittance for it.

‘Best friends forever’

Unlikely to be fulfilled, even if written on a faux-ceramic plaque and accompanied by two teddies holding little hearts. More likely to be ‘Friends for a bit then gradually fade out’. Also a sign that the giver is pathologically clingy and insecure, and needs to be gradually disentangled from.

‘Our family doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful’

Families can be wonderful, but dirty socks and pants left everywhere can sometimes take the edge off the wonder.

‘Love will see you through’

No guarantee of that. Money and a professional qualification for a well-paid career are better.

‘Friends are the family we choose’

Friends are certainly like family in that they can be flaky, irritating and hard to shake off, and sometimes you wonder if you have anything in common with them. For example, one of your friends bought you this sign and now you have to hang it in your hall. Even your sister wouldn’t have done that to you, and she’s a cow.

‘A home is made of hopes and dreams’

A home is made of bricks and lots of insulation. Good luck finding a hope-dream home in the UK.

‘Never regret anything that made you smile’

That fling with a married guy at work made you smile, didn’t it? Now you’re divorced and rent a dingy terraced house with no parking.

‘Dance like nobody’s watching’

For God’s sake, just dance like everyone else is dancing. Stop making a drunken spectacle of yourself again.