How to prove to your partner you always have it worse than them

THE rock-solid foundation of any successful relationship is a never-ending battle to prove you’re the most shat on. Employ these tactics:

Make noise

There’s no point doing a household chore unless your lazy, shiftless partner can hear the effort you’re making. Take out the bins like you’re in West End hit Stomp, empty and fill the dishwasher with more clattering than dinner in Beauty and the Beast, and complain throughout. Make the music of suffering.

Fall asleep often

Provide solid evidence of your gruelling days by falling asleep often and obviously at the breakfast table, halfway up the stairs, in the shower and mid-conversation. When roused, blame your partner for doing nothing apart from in bed, where they either selfishly initiate sex, snore or steal the sheets.


Never move from place to place unless you’re dragging your exhaustion-crippled carcass from room to room to a constant soundtrack of groans. Even sitting on the sofa is too much for your weary bones to handle. And it’s all their fault for never hoovering.

Invite their parents over

It’s always good to remind your partner of the lifelong nightmare they’ve condemned you to, while eliciting sympathy from your mother-in-law as you labour under the yoke of supporting their ingrate child. Expect lots of hushed admonishments to ‘clean up after yourself, she looks drained.’

List tasks

The only conversation you can summon is an endless list of tasks: those you’ve completed that day, at great personal cost, and those languishing undone because you’re too fatigued and literally nobody is helping you. Your partner will retaliate with their own, but you’re too tired to listen.

Spell it out

Communication is key, so how will your partner ever know how crushingly hard life is for you if you don’t tell them? Use anything from passive-aggressive reminders like ‘I’ve put your folded washing on the bed darling’ to ‘I’m too tired to choose what to watch’ to screaming ‘IT’S WORSE FOR ME’ into their face.

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Venn diagram of Covid deniers, paedo obsessives and twats overlaps perfectly

PEOPLE who believe Covid is a hoax also believe Keir Starmer covered up Jimmy Savile’s crimes and are twats, scientists have found.

By presenting the statistics as a Venn diagram, the Institute for Studies discovered that anti-vaxxers, paedo-hunters and wankers were a single group of morons who cannot comprehend simple shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This could completely change the way society treats angry simpletons who’ve all stumbled into believing the same bollocks.

“We’re not trying to understand them better – they’re just twats – but we could divert their energies away from harmful activities like hounding Keir Starmer and writing embarrassing songs about Covid.

“The same people who believe in ancient aliens also believe in satanic abuse also believe in microchipped vaccines. They’re clearly out there looking for mad shit to put their faith in.

“I suggest giving them a whole new set of implausible conspiracies to waste their lives on. For example, Peppa Pig is based on a real porcine-human hybrid created ‘the scientists’ to turn the population into bacon.

“I made that bullshit up on the spot just like Boris Johnson does at the despatch box. Bet you it’ll fly.”

Paedophile-hater Wayne Hayes said: “Edible pig-humans grown in test tubes doesn’t surprise me after Covid. You can bet Ted Heath’s got something to do with it. I’d better alert Facebook.”