How to stop an an ex moving on, by your ex

REMEMBER me? Apparently not well enough. You got over me a little too fast for my liking, so here’s how I’m going to mess with your head for kicks.

Remain friends

Even though you clearly didn’t mean it when you said ‘let’s stay friends’, I’ll be hanging around like an eggy guff in an unventilated room. I’ll send hot-and-cold signals on the affection front so you’re never sure if I want to start again or you’re deluded. But if you make a pass I’ll freak out.

Text late and text drunk

Nothing spins you out more than ‘thinking of u’ or ‘heyy u up?’ at 1am on a weeknight. In the cold light of day I’ll say these were drunk texts meant for someone else. In reality they were carefully typed and proofread to deliver the maximum emotionally-devastating payload.

Recall the good times

Steering each and every conversation down memory lane will make you doubt why we ever even broke up. Difficult if you’re talking about a bereavement or a toothache, so don’t be afraid to be blunt. ‘So sorry your cat got run over, reminds me of our sexy Batman-Catwoman roleplay?’

Shag regularly

If you’re still not putty in my hands I’ll randomly turn up on your doorstep and invite myself in for a drink. One thing will lead to full penetration and before you know it we’re bumping uglies four times a week. But I’ll refuse to talk about it and ghost you the moment someone swipes right on me.

Dumped again

This will come out of the blue because we haven’t actually said we’re going out, but it’s a great way for me to stay in the emotional driving seat. You’ll probably be a bit heartbroken, try to improve yourself, and then meet someone new. That’s when you can expect me to rinse and repeat all of the above. See you then.

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Schrodinger's cat, curate's egg and other idioms insufferable wankers use to sound clever

HAS some knobhead just dropped ‘Occam’s razor’ into conversation and then given you a supercilious glance? Here’s what they meant:

Occam’s razor

This is the theory that the simplest explanation for anything is the most likely. Take the European Super League as an example: were the clubs involved really trying to develop grassroots football, or are they a bunch of greedy bastards in shitloads of debt? Exactly.

Schrödinger’s cat

Schrödinger’s cat is a thought experiment where a cat exists in an indeterminate state of simultanous life and death in a sealed box. If someone is comparing something to Schrödinger’s cat they are almost certainly misunderstanding it entirely. Challenge them and watch panic spread across their face.

The Emperor’s new clothes

In this fairy tale, nobody within the inner circle of an opposition political party dares to tell their leader that beyond constantly moaning about the government, the party offers no solid policies of its own. The leader therefore remains convinced his party can win until one day the voters tell them the truth.

Curate’s egg

This is when something is considered to have both good and bad parts. For example a Brexiter might say that the downside of leaving the EU is millions of tonnes of fruit left rotting in the fields, but at least there are no migrants here to pick it.

Pavlov’s dogs

Pavlov rang a bell every time he fed his dogs until just ringing the bell caused them to salivate. Likewise, when someone says ‘it’s like Pavlov’s dogs’ all listeners instantly begin nodding sagely at this salient point even though they don’t understand its relevance to a chat about Toilet Duck.

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