THOM’S a millennial. His date Olly is the even more annoying Generation Z. But can they overcome their natural distrust and forge a union?
Thom on Olly
First impression?
Does it make me old if he looks like a child? Or is it the baseball cap, dungarees, and Crocs? Though the neck tattoos do a lot to age him.
How was conversation?
…Frequently interrupted? By memes? I mean Jesus, it’s not like I’m not on my phone all the time but at least I settle on one app, okay? He was Shein-shopping while the waiter showed us the wine list.
Memorable moments?
He asked what it was like having the first iPhone, and ‘Did I watch the Friends on it.’ I said I didn’t get an iPhone until about eight years ago, and as a teen the cool thing to have was a Blackberry. He glazed over when I tried to explain what one was. I’m 30 and feel 1,000.
Favourite thing about Olly?
His skin. His lovely, youthful skin. My least favourite thing was when he said ‘So Thatcher, must have been bare tired,’ and I explained that I was not yet born when she was in office.
A capsule description?
Only nine years distant in age, but a world away in terms of celebrities that we’ve both heard of. Why would one call the musical artist Mitski ‘Mother’ or announce that a song you’re playing on your phone in a restaurant is her ‘mothering’?
Was there a spark?
I fancied him. But if felt like in a very wrong way.
What happened afterwards?
There wasn’t one, because politics came up and he said he’d be voting Reform ‘for LOLs’. I said what about the LGBTQ plus community and he replied ‘aw man next you going say Trump ain’t funny’. A disagreement began. He went on his phone.
What would you change about the evening?
I don’t want to sound all Boomer, but I think it would be better if this generation didn’t exist?
Will you see each other again?
No. He won’t look up from his f**king phone.
Olly on Thom
First impression?
So old. He’s 30, I’m 21, that makes our relationship a crime which is cool, but I can’t post about it which is not cool. Also he said he didn’t want me to record TikToks during the meal which is what my Dad says at Christmas.
How was conversation?
I opened by warning him that the nine-year age difference means there’s a power disparity between us making our relationship pretty much a coercive one and him a toxic abuser. And he got all weird like nobody had ever said that to him before.
Memorable moments?
For a guy from the past he didn’t seem to know much about the past? He’s never heard of the Blue Nile, even though they’re blowing up? Everything seemed to happen ‘before he was born’, whether homosexuality being illegal or Britpop?
Favourite thing about Thom?
He is cute and there is a sense of humour in there, but has to hard pump up his meme game. So many memes he didn’t know. I literally don’t know how he spends his time.
A capsule description?
There’s this weird sort-of-generation between us and properly old people? And they’re kind of like us but in this weird way chillingly not? Like, they go out voluntarily? That’s what I’ve told my friends.
Was there a spark?
Literally no rizz. Though I would have banged him.
What happened afterwards?
He kicks off? About politicians of all things, and ‘using my vote responsibly’? Like Lee Anderson isn’t the funniest shit and my re-edits of him using a homebrew AI weren’t f**king hilarious? Serious. He was about to say Trump aren’t funny.
What would you change about the evening?
Them Gen X parents were right about the millennials, man. Self-obsessed.
Will you see each other again?
Blocked all his profiles.
