I hate it when we fight: Six ways to move past an argument without apologising

HAVING a huge tiff and realise you’re in the wrong? A good person would apologise but you can wrap it up without admitting a single fault. Here’s how:

I hate it when we fight

You do. You absolutely hate fighting, also known as them pulling you up on the dickish things you have said or done. But this way it sounds like you want to stop rowing because you like them so much. It’ll go extra far if you make a sad little face.

I’ve forgotten what this was even over

No you bloody haven’t. The pedantic, nit-picky little seed that bloomed into this whole thing is crystal clear in your mind. This way, however, you can convince them that their ridiculous overreactions are what have kept the row going, while you humbly try to appease them.

Let’s agree to disagree

Admitting to having different opinions is not the same as admitting you don’t have a leg to stand on in this disagreement. But it is very diplomatic and mature of you to call the tantrum you have just thrown an ‘opinion’, especially after you have smashed their favourite mug on the floor.

We shouldn’t go to bed angry

A polite way of saying: ‘What if I died in my sleep, then you’d feel so bad for not letting me get my way. Even if what I did was wrong and I refuse to apologise for it, you should still tell me it’s fine in case I tragically perish’. It’s emotional blackmail, and it usually works.

This is silly

Go on, invalidate the entire last hour’s discussion and all of their feelings with it. Note that you didn’t say they were silly, and it almost, but not quite, sounds like you’re admitting that you’re being silly. In other words, a completely nothing statement that still makes them feel guilty for prolonging things any further.

Do you want a biscuit?

They’ll probably interpret the biscuit as an apology, which means the argument will cease. While you’re watching them eat it, you’ll know that you never meant that in the slightest, and they backed down completely for a Hobnob. Pathetic.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Generation that has unlimited free porn can afford to be sniffy about sex scenes

GEN-Z has confirmed that the reason they do not want to see sex scenes in TV shows is because they have been watching hardcore porn for years already.

Young people say they are not prudish but instead feel it is pointless watching underwear-clad actors pretend to have sex when they have had unlimited access to the worst kind of online filth for most of their lives.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 20, said: “My first experience of sex on screen was a compilation called Bareback MILFs which I watched on my mate’s phone at the back of a history class.

“If that wasn’t titillating, which it wasn’t, do you really think I’m going to be in any way excited by a heavily choreographed scene of a woman with her bra on faking an orgasm on top of a bloke with a sheet artfully obscuring his genitals?

“I’d honestly rather just watch something with a thoughtful and absorbing storyline, which you definitely don’t get in amateur stepmom fauxcest videos.”

Grace’s mum Helen Wood-Morris said: “As someone who spent hours trying to freeze frame the exact right moment of American Gigolo to get a good look at Richard Gere’s penis, I find it a bit sad that kids today have been overexposed to sex.

“Or maybe I’m just jealous.”