Wanky part of town calling itself 'village'

A PRETENTIOUS part of a regular town has decided to rebrand itself as a village.

Within the urban sprawl of a major British city, a small area has started emulating the likes of other upmarket districts for fancy dickheads such as Hampstead, Highgate, Clifton and Didsbury.

Martin Bishop 31, said: “I love village life. You get the experience of a small, tight-knit community, but there’s a handy big Tesco a few streets over where the ordinary plebs live.

“We have a Facebook group to discuss village issues, and a summer fayre with quirky traditional games, like a consommé taste test and decorative gilet competition.

“We also have a post office. Well, it’s on the site of the old post office. It doesn’t offer mailing services because it’s a vegan deli, but they do deliver.

“In rebranding the area as a village the intention wasn’t to artificially boost desirability to inflate property prices, but that appears to have happened as a consequence. Oh well, mustn’t grumble.”

Roy Hobbs, who lives in the neighbouring town, said: “They should build a wall around it, like The Hunger Games. Then we’d see how community minded they are.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Unelected man in power gives speech on behalf of unelected man in power

A MAN who got his job by birthright is giving a speech on behalf of a man who won a contest by default.

The speech, which takes place in a building paid for by the public that they are not allowed to use, outlines all the democratic changes to daily life nobody had a say in.

Political commentator Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Nothing says modern Britain like watching a weary old flesh puppet forced to read out the words of their master. Doesn’t it make you proud?

“The King will perform his duties with the stiff upper lip this country is famous for, and the prime minister will look on excitedly like a dad mouthing along to the words at a Taylor Swift concert. Everything as it should be.

“What’s the alternative? A government that represents the will of the people and not the interests of backbenchers and shareholders? An obsolete monarchy consigned to the history books where they belong? Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

“No, this is the country doing what it does best. You don’t even have to think as you watch it. Just sit back and let the unchallenged privilege wash over you.”

Wayne Hayes from Hull said: “I can’t wait to vote this lot out like the papers are telling me to.”