'I wonder when Bridgerton starts again?': Five things women really think about during sex

IT’S easy to assume mid-coitus that your female partner is thinking about what a tender yet powerful lover you are. They’re not. Here’s what’s really crossing their mind.

‘Is the front door locked?’

As you attempt your ‘famous’ moves – namely a few kisses to her neck and then stuffing your hand up her top – she’s trying to remember if she locked the door from the inside. Obviously your lovemaking is mindblowing, but she did leave her car keys and Beats headphones in full view on the telephone table.

‘I might start making my own bread’

While you’re struggling to get her bra off, she can be forgiven for letting her mind wander to other matters, and she’s always fancied making her own bread. Maybe this is the week. So when you’ve freed her breasts and are giving them a weird sort of ‘knead’ yourself, she’s wondering if you can get spelt flour from Tesco and trying to recall the recipe for focaccia.

‘Maybe I should cut my hair short?’

As you move on swiftly from second base, there’s a good chance your partner’s thoughts will drift to self-grooming. So while you prod away at her genitals, she’s wondering how she’d look with a pixie cut or bob. Her stylist Janine has always warned her off it. Maybe she’ll just put some highlights in? It might help her attract a better standard of lover.

‘How long ago did Woolworths close down?’

As your lovemaking reaches the X-rated stage, rather than listen to you huff and puff away, your partner has switched to ‘niggling trivia’ mode. Such as the demise of Woolies. It’s probably longer ago than they think. Maybe 2010 at a guess. They’ll make a mental note to google it afterwards. God their pick-and-mix were good. Now where were we?

‘I wonder when Bridgerton starts again?’

When things reach a climax – for some parties at least – the female mind will have already moved on to other business: when she can catch up with the latest travails of the Bridgerton family. Yes, Regé-Jean Page isn’t in this series. But it’s still very watchable. To be honest she’d prefer an evening of binge-watching to… oh it’s finished.

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Eight great reasons why you would definitely volunteer to go and fight Russians in Ukraine but you can't

VOLUNTEERS from across Europe are travelling to Ukraine to battle the Russian army. Obviously you’d love to but you can’t, because:

You’re needed on the home front

As a social media manager for customer-facing brands, all of which now have Ukrainian flags on their Twitter handles, you are doing essential war work. To be absent from your post would be a dereliction of duty.

You have a family

Even that Ukranian tennis player was torn between leaving his family and heading to the frontline. It’s finely balanced, and for you the scales juuust tip the other way. Obviously you care nothing for your own safety.

There’s no legal route

Liz Truss announced that people could and should go to fight, but as ever she doesn’t know what the f**k she’s talking about. There’s no legal route and without a visa you’d just end up getting deported. Otherwise you would.

You’d get in the way

Yes, the Ukrainian nail artists and motor mechanics currently taking up arms against the invader have no direct combat experience, but they’re just naturally hard-bitten. It’s the climate out there. You’d only drag an elite platoon of Ukrainian primary school teachers down.

You’re against war

Like Jeremy Corbyn, you believe all wars should stop. And the place to be calling for diplomacy, negotiation and dialogue is not the battlefield but from 1,200 miles behind the lines.

You might be too good

You’ve always feared that, like Jack Reacher or the Punisher, you’d prove to be so good at combat and such an efficient killer that the war would become your home and you’d never fit into civilian life again. You can’t take that risk.

They deserve to win this on their own

Ukraine is defining itself as a nation with this battle, just as Britain did with the Second World War. Is it really our place to be muscling in and saving the day again? They deserve their own glorious victory. Assuming they win.

You’re a coward

Having counted how many countries there are between you and Ukraine – five, six if you go via Belgium – you’ve decided the war won’t get anywhere near the UK. You’ll probably be alright and there’s no sense getting yourself killed. Spineless, but true.