AN evening with a giggly couple who are ridiculously into each other is horrific and sickening. Here’s the sort of crap you can expect from these freaks:
In-jokes in front of everyone
Mid-conversation, one of them will say something you don’t quite catch and they’ll both laugh so hard they might cough up a lung. But when you awkwardly ask what it means all you’ll get is ‘Don’t worry, you had to be there’. Wherever ‘there’ was, you’re actually pretty glad you weren’t.
Laughing at factual statements
Usually you wait for a punchline before laughing, but not when your brain is so rammed full of love hormones that something actually being funny is old hat. One of the couple can be talking about opening a new ISA and the other will be reacting like they’re huffing laughing gas watching Billy Connolly onstage in his prime.
Nauseating pet names
The couple are using so much of their brains being in love that they can’t access the prefrontal cortex that contains their real names, relying on stomach-turning pet ones instead. Sure, you could ask why she’s Shmoopie and he’s Mr Grimp-Grump, but it’s going to be another case of ‘you had to be there’.
Referring to themselves as ‘we’ or ‘us’
They are standing so close it looks like they’re trying their best to absorb each other, and they seem well on the way to doing so. You didn’t think you had a problem with people changing their pronouns, but it turns out you do when they become plural, like a sci-fi hive mind but incredibly soppy instead of threatening.
Speaking for each other
The absorption process is almost complete, so when you ask one of them a question, the other one answers in their stead. But be honest, if you could travel around with a spokesperson who answers all the boring questions people ask you, you’d quite like to have a minion to tediously explain how long you’ve lived in Wimbledon.
Posting online about how sickeningly happy they are
Even when you’re not with them, their snorting, guffawing romance still manages to reach you, often in the form of social media selfies of themselves mid-snog with inane captions like ‘Out with this one!’ or ‘I can’t believe it’s only been three months!’. At least it’s there for you to look back and chuckle sadistically at when they discover they’re horribly unsuited and actually hate each other.
