In-jokes in front of everyone, and other annoying habits of giggly couples

AN evening with a giggly couple who are ridiculously into each other is horrific and sickening. Here’s the sort of crap you can expect from these freaks:

In-jokes in front of everyone

Mid-conversation, one of them will say something you don’t quite catch and they’ll both laugh so hard they might cough up a lung. But when you awkwardly ask what it means all you’ll get is ‘Don’t worry, you had to be there’. Wherever ‘there’ was, you’re actually pretty glad you weren’t.

Laughing at factual statements

Usually you wait for a punchline before laughing, but not when your brain is so rammed full of love hormones that something actually being funny is old hat. One of the couple can be talking about opening a new ISA and the other will be reacting like they’re huffing laughing gas watching Billy Connolly onstage in his prime.

Nauseating pet names

The couple are using so much of their brains being in love that they can’t access the prefrontal cortex that contains their real names, relying on stomach-turning pet ones instead. Sure, you could ask why she’s Shmoopie and he’s Mr Grimp-Grump, but it’s going to be another case of ‘you had to be there’.

Referring to themselves as ‘we’ or ‘us’

They are standing so close it looks like they’re trying their best to absorb each other, and they seem well on the way to doing so. You didn’t think you had a problem with people changing their pronouns, but it turns out you do when they become plural, like a sci-fi hive mind but incredibly soppy instead of threatening.

Speaking for each other

The absorption process is almost complete, so when you ask one of them a question, the other one answers in their stead. But be honest, if you could travel around with a spokesperson who answers all the boring questions people ask you, you’d quite like to have a minion to tediously explain how long you’ve lived in Wimbledon.

Posting online about how sickeningly happy they are

Even when you’re not with them, their snorting, guffawing romance still manages to reach you, often in the form of social media selfies of themselves mid-snog with inane captions like ‘Out with this one!’ or ‘I can’t believe it’s only been three months!’. At least it’s there for you to look back and chuckle sadistically at when they discover they’re horribly unsuited and actually hate each other.

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10 actors who had the nerve to be nothing like their characters

IT’S always a blow to discover a favourite character is played by an actor who’s a bit of a dipshit in real life. Like these illusion-shattering prima donnas.

George Peppard

You’d assume actors would treat The A-Team as a good laugh. Not foul-tempered egomaniac pisshead George Peppard, who was relentlessly horrible to the female actors the producers kept trying to bring in. If you’re going to be a dick, at least do it in a more weighty role than child-friendly mercenaries with a kill rate of zero*.

Zooey Deschanel 

Zooey doesn’t like the term ‘manic pixie dream girl’. Possibly because fellow actors have described her as ‘nasty’ and ‘moody’ in real life, which must be a crushing blow for her fans. Next time just idolise someone transparently horrible, like Anne Robinson. 

Richard Burton 

Apart from Marc Antony, Burton’s best-known role is arguably Major John Smith in Where Eagles Dare, in which [SPOILER ALERT FOR A 1968 FILM] he leads his team out of the clutches of the Germans with a brilliantly executed plan. However Burton had a habit of disappearing from the set for insane drinking binges with Peter O’Toole and Richard Harris – not ideal friend choices for an alcoholic – so in reality he’d have got captured immediately in a drunken haze and the epic WW2 adventure would be 12 minutes long.

Brie Larson 

Captain Marvel has a strong theme of Carol Danvers taking the knocks but never giving up. Brie Larson has a strong theme of whinging about trivial perceived injustices. You get the feeling that if her boiled egg is too runny, the over-representation of white men in film criticism had something to do with it.

Russell Crowe 

He’s great in Napoleonic Wars movie Master and Commander as the highly-disciplined, harsh-but-moral naval captain. On dry land Russ’s hobbies include getting pissed, challenging people to fights once pissed, and putting on weight at a rate of knots. One act of diva behaviour was threatening a TV producer because he wasn’t allowed to read out his poem at an awards ceremony. A shame, because surely everyone would have loved to hear that.

Roseanne Barr

Ms Barr made her name in the decent enough sitcom Roseanne. Unfortunately she went from ‘wisecracking regular mom’ to ‘batshit alt-right racist’ when she decided to tweet about Valerie Jarrett, a black former advisor to Barack Obama, saying that ‘[if the] muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby’ it would be Ms Jarrett. Which is mindbogglingly racist, like something it would have taken even Goebbels a few days to come up with.

Tom Cruise

Actors’ weird beliefs reduce their bankability so Hollywood tries to keep them quiet. Only partially successfully with Tom Cruise, who, unlike Maverick or Jack Reacher, believes Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, implanted alien souls (Thetans) in humans and they must be kept in tippy-top condition by ‘auditing’ your ‘engrams’. It’s no wonder he does so many sci-fi movies.

Lucille Ball

Lucy was fun, fun, fun, apart from being horrible. As well as being incredibly rude to minions, she’d make sure fellow actors had their screen time and funny lines reduced. It shows an impressive commitment to megalomania, in what was surely dubbed I Increasingly Hate Lucy

Harrison Ford

Ford had the bloody cheek to not be that into Carrie Fisher when they were having an affair, which male Star Wars nerds will tell you is Just Not On. Decades later he looks visibly bored in the sequels, which is just not very Han Solo. Star Wars would be a very different film if, at the end, he’d gone: ‘Should I help Luke with this blowing up the Death Star thing? Nah.’ 

Christian Bale

In fairness, his famous outburst could have been a bad day. But would Batman go ballistic over someone distracting him in the Bat Cave? Er, actually ‘yes’, since every recent incarnation has chosen to portray him as a socially isolated, emotionally unstable neurotic. The last thing you want is superheroes to be fun, right?

*Yes, five characters died in total but none were killed by Hannibal et al. It makes The A-Team a safer place to live than the Shetland Islands.