A SKIER is suing Gwyneth Paltrow after a 2016 accident on the slopes left him trapped in her fanny for nine hours.
Tom Booker, aged 51, said he was peaceably skiing at a Utah resort when the actress came at him, legs akimbo, at high speed, resulting in a collision that left him lodged in her Hollywood honeypot.
Booker said: “I blacked out, and when I came to I was still in darkness, surrounded by warm yet yielding walls that seemed exceptionally healthy.
“I was unable to free myself because of a hard object beneath me. My phone torch revealed it to be an egg made of jade. It was then I realised I’d been swallowed by the vagina of the Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow.
“My cries for help went unheard through a yoga class, a meditation session, and a video conference about script rewrites for an Iron Man spinoff with Kevin Feige and Jon Favreau.
“When the egg was removed I raced against the clock to escape, knowing at any moment I could be speared by the insipid penis of Chris Martin. Thankfully their coupling that evening was tantric.”
Booker is suing for damages of $340 million, claiming the merest whiff of a Goop candle gives him severe PTSD.