I spent nine hours wedged up Paltrow's fanny, says skier

A SKIER is suing Gwyneth Paltrow after a 2016 accident on the slopes left him trapped in her fanny for nine hours.

Tom Booker, aged 51, said he was peaceably skiing at a Utah resort when the actress came at him, legs akimbo, at high speed, resulting in a collision that left him lodged in her Hollywood honeypot.

Booker said: “I blacked out, and when I came to I was still in darkness, surrounded by warm yet yielding walls that seemed exceptionally healthy.

“I was unable to free myself because of a hard object beneath me. My phone torch revealed it to be an egg made of jade. It was then I realised I’d been swallowed by the vagina of the Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow.

“My cries for help went unheard through a yoga class, a meditation session, and a video conference about script rewrites for an Iron Man spinoff with Kevin Feige and Jon Favreau.

“When the egg was removed I raced against the clock to escape, knowing at any moment I could be speared by the insipid penis of Chris Martin. Thankfully their coupling that evening was tantric.”

Booker is suing for damages of $340 million, claiming the merest whiff of a Goop candle gives him severe PTSD.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Johnson to be wheeled in front of select committee wearing straitjacket

BORIS Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a straitjacket on a gurney for the public’s safety.

To minimise the risk of him escaping and running the country again, the former prime minister will be transported to today’s Partygate hearing immobilised in a heavily-armoured van.

Detective inspector Norman Steele said: “You’ve got to watch out with this one. He’s got a tendency to charm people even though they should know by now it’s self-serving bullshit. So we’ve muzzled him, too.

“Even otherwise intelligent people can be lured in by his lame jokes, dubious use of Latin and carefully mussed-up hair, then before they know it they’re the next victim of his deranged, Machiavellian master plan.

“Ideally his communication would be limited to one blink for yes, two blinks for no. Unfortunately he’s got to explain his 52-page defence dossier, so we’ll have to listen to endless waffling evasions about how he misled MPs unintentionally, even though it’s obvious he knew what he was doing.”

Johnson hissed: “They only need drop their guard for a second, then I’ll slip away and be back in Number 10 by this evening. I’d sauté Rishi’s brains but that requires effort so I’ll just dial out for a posh Chinese.”