Met applauded for their brave anti-woke stance

THE Metropolitan Police are taking a courageous stand against wokeness by being racist, sexist and homophobic.

After the release of Baroness Casey’s report, Tory MPs and the British public have thanked the Met for bravely fighting the dangerous threat of lefty snowflakes in favour of mild equality and not offending people.

Roy Hobbs, from Tottenham Hale, said: “Thank God someone is standing up for our great British traditions by stopping ethnic minorities, gays and bloody women thinking they can safely approach a police offer for help.

“If it wasn’t for the lionhearted efforts of the Met, people who belong to marginalised groups might feel unafraid to walk around the city they live in, especially at night. Where would we be then?

“The streets would be awash with rape, violence and corruption. I mean the bad kind, not the good kind practised by trained Met officers.

“Long may they continue abusing their power and bungling investigations. They truly are the best of us. Apart from if they do me for speeding. Then they’re out-of-control fascist pigs.”

Asked if she had a message for the Met, home secretary Suella Braverman cackled maniacally and shrieked: “Fly, my pretties, fly!”

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Where you last saw your passport, and other things to randomly worry about mid-shag

PASSIONATE lovemaking often leaves time for your mind to wander and to worry about these random and unrelated concerns: 

‘Where did I last see my passport?’

You have no pressing need to travel, but something about the act of slipping one precious item inside another has reminded you that you used to keep your passport in your bedside drawer but it’s not there and you’re not sure where it is. Your intense expression is you trying to remember if it was in that pile of papers you chucked out.

‘Did my brother-in-law think I agreed with him?’

While switching positions, it strikes you that your brother-in-law might have thought you’d ‘switched positions’ to his side while he was sharing his usual bigoted crap about banning all immigration. You thought your frown made it clear, but what if he mistook your exaggerated eye roll for a nod?

‘Should I get my heart checked out?’

God, sex didn’t used to wear you out this much. And your grandfather did, famously, have a heart condition. You couldn’t break your wife’s heart like he broke Grandma’s, so you should call 111 as soon as you’ve showered off. Christ, it’s got more BPM than a happy hardcore track.

‘Is my car due its MOT?’

Mid-thrust it occurs to you that bodies should get MOTs the same way that cars do, which reminds you that your car might be due an MOT, and if you haven’t got one your insurance is invalid. Where do you keep the documents? In the glovebox? Actually, thinking about it, is your passport in there?

‘What year was the Challenger disaster?’

Well, you were so distracted that you couldn’t climax. Your mechanical failure puts in mind other great disasters – so much so that you don’t feel too guilty when your partner huffs off downstairs because you ‘weren’t into it’. At least neither of you are on fire in the atmosphere. When was that? 1987?