Sunday, 27th September 2020

Is your ex toxic or just a wanker?

WHEN a relationship ends, it throws up questions about whether your ex was a toxic abusive manipulating gaslighter or a simple twat. Take our quiz to find out: 

What did your ex do for your last birthday? 

A) Present you with flowers that were obviously from a petrol station while claiming they were from a top florist, along with Ferrero Rocher from a leading Belgian chocolatier
B) Kidnap your cat

When you broke up, what was the first thing your ex did?

A) Texted your best mate suggesting they meet for no-strings-attached sex
B) Set up an email list of your close relatives and friends and send daily long, rambling, largely false messages about how much you’ve hurt them

What was the highlight of your relationship?

A) Watching The Sopranos together
B) When you promised to take her to Las Vegas and she agreed not to set your car on fire

What was your ex’s nickname at school?

A) ‘Steve-O’
B) ‘Stalker Steve’

You ask your ex if they think you look fat. What would they have said?

A) ‘Yeah a bit. Especially around the arse.’
B) ‘Like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, I enjoy curvier women.’

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your ex was a garden-variety wanker, such as you would meet on an IPA factory tour or at a Coldplay concert. But they’re not around to defend themselves so if you want to make some stuff up to horrify your friends, go for it.

Mostly Bs: Your ex was fully toxic, and you can only hope they move on quickly and focus their attentions on some other unlucky bastard. Try to spot the red flags in your all-red-flags warning-sirens-blaring relationship earlier next time.