Is your marriage fine or is your marriage 'fine'? Take our quiz

MARRIAGE is a special bond between two people who may or may not secretly loathe each other. Find out how yours is doing with this quiz:

What is your relationship based on?

A) Mutual respect and trust. Oh and love, of course.

B) A cripplingly large mortgage neither of us can afford to break free from.

When you hear the words ‘online dating’ your reaction is:

A) Terror. Each of us is so glad we don’t have to sift through the legion of sixes in our area anymore.

B) Terror. Has one of your wife’s friends seen your profile on Tinder again?

What’s the first thing you reach for in the morning?

A) The thing I love the most and knows me better than anything in the world: my partner.

B) The thing I love the most and knows me better than anything in the world: my phone.

When did you last have sex?

A) This morning. Twice. Jealous much?

B) What year did Crazy by Gnarls Barkley come out?

Do you have lots of mutual interests?

A) Yes, we both like cycle rides and playing tennis. We know we’re sickening but we’re too in love to care.

B) Yes, we both love passive-aggressive dishwasher loading and saying we’re ‘fine’ in a rage-filled voice before leaving the room.

Your idea of a perfect evening would be spent…

A) Snuggled on the sofa with my partner and leafing through our wedding photos.

B) Snuggled on the sofa by myself watching The Sopranos and eating a Toblerone I don’t have to f**king share.

Deep down, you married your partner because:

A) You were soulmates and they embodied everything you dreamed of in a partner.

B) You were 38 and your biological clock was going mental.


Mostly As

You sound like the model of a perfect marriage, though if it’s still early days this is no achievement. Before long you’ll start to retch at their morning breath and the way they blink. Then you’ll be a real couple.

Mostly Bs

Congratulations! The seething hotbed of resentment that constitutes your marriage is in line with the vast majority of them. Why not take your relationship to the next level by having kids you don’t want?

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Tomorrow a good day to be hungover

TOMORROW, a day dedicated to quiet, to the cessation of all activity and to watching people murmur on the BBC, is a perfect day to be hungover.

A once-in-a-life bank holiday during which going out, getting together with friends or doing noisy DIY is firmly discouraged appears to have been custom-designed for recovering from a session.

Nathan Muir of Durham said: “From both a personal and historical perspective, it would be rude not to.

“Expectations that I remain largely silent in a darkened room watching something soothing on TV that requires 30 per cent of my attention? Dovetails perfectly with a few bottles of Riesling later.

“In fact I’m much more likely to do something disrespectful if I’m not suffering, like nip out for a run or mow the lawn, so getting wrecked is actually a powerful gesture of support.”

Mary Fisher of Nottingham agreed: “I know what I’m like. Give me a day off and I’ll try to tick shit off my to-do list. The only way I’ll sit and watch the whole thing is if I’m incapacitated, and the safest way to do that is by drinking heavily.

“I promise with every gin, from the third onwards, I shall say ‘Gentlemen, a toast to the Queen!’ The cat won’t care.”