Is your partner a pain in the arse to sleep with?

IF you wake up knackered and irritable most mornings it’s possible your partner is an annoying bastard to sleep with. Take our test and find out.

How do they go to sleep?

A) By drifting off quietly like a little mouse on valium.

B) By fucking around with their phone for an hour, reminding you of that really stressful thing you’ve got to do tomorrow, then passing out instantly to begin the night’s snoring.

Do they make sounds while sleeping?

A) No. It’s like sharing a bed with a statue but a bit warmer.

B) If they’re not heavy-breathing like a rhino with a nasal mucus problem, they’re waking you up with weird dream-talk like “That’s the wrong dildo, Gromit!”.

What is their ‘duvet policy’?

A) They take only their fair share.

B) A bitter struggle for total control of the duvet that would leave the Red Army impressed with their tenacity.

Do they move about?

A) No. They’re like a lovely log.

B) If they’re not constantly wrestling the pillow they’re taking their third trip to the bathroom because who’d have thought drinking all that lager before bed might have an effect?

What is their waking up routine?

A) They silently slip out of bed like a hungover snake.

B) After hitting the snooze button for the fifth time they get up to shower, leaving the alarm on to rudely awaken you from the first precious bit of sleep you’ve had all night.

Mostly As. Congratulations! You’ve snagged a great sleeping partner you lucky, lucky bastard.

Mostly Bs. Bad luck. Ear plugs might help, but it’s best to be on the safe side and get divorced.


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Contactless payment leaves bus drivers searching for new ways to be arseholes

BUS drivers have confirmed that the advent of contactless payment means they are frantically brainstorming new ways to be total arseholes. 

For many years drivers have used the leverage of the correct change to tyrannise their hapless passengers, but with that weapon removed from their arsenals drivers have been working feverishly to develop new techniques for punishing their customers.

Bus driver Wayne Hayes said: “I only got into this job because I hate people, and it was the best position to do that with minimal training.

“Acting the twat when someone tries to pay with a twenty? Mate, I claimed I had no change when they had a fiver and the fare was £4.80.

“It hurts my withered heart to see them tap their fucking cards as if they’re in charge. But it just means we’ve got to work harder. Necessity’s the mother of irritation, after all.”

Bus commuter Nikki Hollis said: “All the windows have been wedged open, he tilted the bus just as I opened my yoghurt, and he had a radio tuned halfway between static and classic rock at unignorable volume.

“They’ve responded to change and upped their game. I’m impressed.”