It’s been a pretty good year for me sexually, says married man who's had three shags in 2023

A MARRIED man who has enjoyed no fewer than three sexual encounters in 2023 has declared it to be a landmark year for him sexually. 

As the year draws to a close, 54-year-old Nathan Muir believes it should also be viewed as the sunset of a golden era of marital shagging, specifically in his house.

Brushing away a tear, he said: “After 2021 and 2022, who expected this? This late flowering of a familiar yet ardent sexuality?

“The first time was in March and that came out of nowhere, because normally when I’m groping my wife’s boobs she just shrugs me off, but instead she surprised me by being up for it even though it was after 11pm.

“Honestly, that would have been enough for me. But then it happens again on holiday, in the morning this time, and I don’t think the smile left my face all summer. That was quite the encounter. Lasted upwards of ten minutes.

“Then, beyond my wildest expectations, I chanced my arm with a casual ‘How about it?’ in October and lo and behold we’re at it again like a pair of horny teenagers. Magic.

“I doubt I’ll have another year like this one in my lifetime. But I’ll still be wanking on this one until 2028.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Christmas sex act vouchers destined to expire unused in drawer

A BOOK of vouchers for sex acts a man received from his girlfriend for Christmas are destined to expire unused in a bedside drawer. 

The vouchers, which were handed to Joe Turner with a lascivious wink and a promise of erotic delights to come, apparently come with a number of terms and conditions which are only apparent on close examination of the small print.

He said: “I tried to use the blowjob one straight away, obviously. But apparently it’s not valid when Emma’s drunk so much she’s feeling queasy or when she’s hungover.

“The more athletic ones I’m told aren’t useable on weekdays, the threesome one places the onus to secure a third party very much on me, and anal requires at least 48 hours notice because there’s prep involved.

“I can’t really argue with all that, but so far they’re not living up to their promise and if I’m honest I’d rather have had the cash.”

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “Well he bought me that hot-air ballooning experience last year and we never went on that.”