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Kash Patel's guide for ugly men dating someone genuinely hot

UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on: 

Try not to be constantly amazed by your good fortune

Tough for me, as I resemble a surprised Fraggle, but lessen the power imbalance in your relationship by playing it cool. It’s just practice. These days when I wake up next to Alexis I hardly ever shout, ‘WOOO-HOO! I scored a TEN!’

Try to impress them

Chances are you don’t have access to an FBI jet, having not put in the necessary groundwork of being a crazed right-wing podcaster, but there are always fashionable restaurants, luxury holidays, $30,000 necklaces. It’s stressful knowing you could be dumped tomorrow, but luckily my girlfriend is dumb so hopefully won’t realise.

Maintain a light-poor environment

Everyone looks better under dimmed lighting, but obviously I have to go further. I’ve removed all the bulbs for security reasons and allow us only a single candle. It’s kept my relationship healthy but my shins are f**ked.

Keep her away from attractive men

Getting armed FBI agents to ‘protect’ Alexis whenever she’s out with friends is a good way to ward off rival penises. But it’s just as easy to schedule nights in doing activities suitable for two people. How can she be tempted by other men when she’s learning the rules and lore of Warhammer? She can’t.

Screen attractiveness gap movies

Films are the uggo’s friend, with countless stories about seeing beyond mere appearances: Beauty and the Beast, Shrek, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Roxanne. She is beginning to wonder why we’ve seen The Shape of Water 15 times but I want to keep the psychological pressure on. Shame she can’t go blind, like in Mask.

Be rich and famous

Sadly wealth and fame, even my unearned kind, are the key way for runts like me to hang onto a beauty. Will Alexis still love me when Donald throws me under the bus for not miraculously making the Epstein Files disappear? No. No, she won’t. Still, at least I can retreat into the comfort of alcoholism full-time.

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I'm part of the toxic Bargain Hunt fandom, and it's f**king great

By Joanna Kramer, online warrior for the very soul of Bargain Hunt

OUTSIDERS could never understand how it feels to be in the warm embrace of a thoroughly toxic fandom. For example, myself and the Bargain Hunters. 

It’s hard to remember who I was before I became one of them. How I passed evenings when I wasn’t locked in furious argument online, going through that day’s show frame-by-frame looking for evidence of the showrunners’ vicious colonialism.

Today my whole life is built around it. Delivering smackdowns to the Dickensonians here, moderating comments by the Wonnacottites there, releasing my rage at the low price a chipped Lladro achieved onto subreddits. It’s so fulfilling.

It’s my passion, which is why it’s perfectly excusable for me to know the producers by name, stalk them on social media and send them abusive messages when Red are cheated of victory by an auctioneer who was so clearly a f**king plant.

After all, without me and the other Hunters the show wouldn’t have been running for 26 years. We’re the ones watching it every day. We’re the ones making GIFs of key moments and fan edits of every Golden Gavel. We’re the lifeblood of the show.

Yes, I have occasionally said ‘if they’re going to make such a f**king mockery of this they should f**king cancel it and if I see Eric Knowles in person he is f**king dead’, for which I was unfairly banned from Stafford Showground. But like I said, passion.

By ignoring us or putting us on watchlists, the BBC has shown its contempt for ordinary obsessed fans. Really it should be inviting us to act as consultants, apart from that dickhead ClockCollecta who knows nothing about the show and would ruin it.

So next time you hear of a toxic fandom, consider perhaps they’re the ones who are really right and the casuals are all wrong. Now I’ve got Mark Stacey-Raj Bisram fan fiction to finish. This chapter features a 1772 clockwork ivory strap-on.

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