Sunday, 1st November 2020

Locked-down students breaking up with long-distance partners at record rate

LOCKED-DOWN students are dumping their partners at home or other universities at the rate of one every 45 seconds, it has emerged. 

Students confined to their halls of residence, with only another 200 or so young, attractive and horny people for company, are delivering sad farewells over FaceTime at record rates. 

Grace Wood-Morris of Sussex University said: “You could literally walk down a corridor and hear it happening in every room you passed, the same script in different voices. 

“It’s not you it’s me, I think we need time to grow, it doesn’t seem fair to restrict each other from new experiences. No one says, ‘Oh and also I’ve been banging Sophie from the next kitchen since the first night.’ 

“Boyfriends from home are easier to dump, especially if they’re in locked-down areas so they can’t even make a mad, romantic and unwelcome dash up to see you. 

“But if your partner’s at a different university they’re most likely only on the call to let you down gently and it becomes a desperate race to be the dumper, not the dumpee. 

“My final call to my ex-girlfriend at Durham ended with us simultaneously shouting ‘IT’S OVER’ and slamming our MacBooks shut. I was definitely a tenth of a second faster.”