Saturday, 24th October 2020

Your guide to Rishi Sunak's f**king confusing Job Support Scheme

RISHI Sunak has replaced furlough, which pays you for doing nothing, with the Job Support Scheme that pays you for doing less. But how does it work? 

Can I get paid for not working? 

Not in the pure and wonderful way you have been all summer. Instead you’ll have to do at least a third of your usual hours. We know, right? You used to think Rishi was a good guy but he’s just one more bastard like all the rest. 

Who pays for it? 

Sadly not the UK taxpayer, ie. you but in a few years’ time. Only 22 per cent of your wages will come from the government now, with your employer paying the rest and the final amount only being 77 per cent of your pay. Which is fine because we can all lose a quarter of our pay without even noticing. 

Is everyone eligible? 

Only small and medium-sized companies. Larger ones get nothing unless their turnover has fallen, which is why Sir Philip Green has suddenly declared TopShop to be 300 coincidentally-named quirky independent boutiques. 

Aren’t I going to get fired anyway next year?

Yes. But this way you’ll have a lovely Christmas, unless you’re in a care home, a student trapped in a hall of residence, an unpopular member of a family larger than six, or work in pantomime. 

What about theatres? 

What about f**king theatres? Yes, they’re a far bigger part of the UK’s GDP than the fishermen we’re starting a war for, but actors are luvvies and they’re always putting on Marxist plays. F**k ‘em. They’ll make nice Wetherspoons.