Five twats from school you'll awkwardly bump into in the supermarket

IT’S inevitable that you’ll eventually bump into some twat from school while shopping. Here are some you should have looked out for in the ready meal aisle.

Guy in a sixth-form band 

His band were insufferable twats who who wrongly believed they were Oasis. It’s funny until you realise a crap teenage band in 1995 was the high point of his life and you have to make a feeble excuse about your Cornettos melting before you get too depressed.

Mr or Mrs Tedium

They recognise you instantly, throwing you into a panic as you desperately try to remember their name. You weren’t really friends, and you remember why as they share fascinating facts like how they work for BT now. They’ll suggest staying in touch via Facebook. Don’t – it’s a slippery slope towards ending up at one of their garden parties.

Completely evil bully

This sadist genuinely terrified you at the age of 11, but when you meet them 30 years later they’re strangely friendly, like a normal adult. It’s confusing – was the bullying largely in your mind, or are they just worried because you’re taller than them now and might force their head into a freezer cabinet until they admit to being a ‘bender’?

The cool kid

With his Lacoste tracksuit and rumours of fingering various ‘fit’ girls, Darren was easily the coolest kid at secondary school. He’s middle aged and not so cool now – until he mentions his burgeoning property empire and his extremely attractive wife comes over. You lose again.

Weird old teacher

You naively think it might be nice to chat to them on an adult basis. Then you realise they are still very weird, as evidenced by their trolley full of liver, and some insulting comment like: “I’m surprised you went to university. Still, these days…”

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Young people have forgotten how to do sex

YOUNG people have spent so long not associating with each other that they no longer have the skills to perform sexual intercourse.

To avert a population crisis in the near future, the government is putting emergency measures in place, including public information films and a new Department for Sex, headed by Chris Grayling.

A spokesman said: “We’d recommend asking your parents, or even your grandparents, how to have sex. Ask for tips in technique, maintaining erections and faking orgasms. 

“We’re sure that won’t be in any way embarrassing. Your parents probably have some great sex stories you can all sit down and enjoy.

“It’s vital that young people ‘have it away’ with each other in order to boost the flowers, chocolates, wines, hospitality and condom industries. But don’t do it in groups of more than six or you’ll face a fine.

“We’ve also made a series of educational videos designed to appeal to young people, including Yo Get Bonking, by the popular contemporary rap artists Morris Minor and the Majors.”

Young person Ryan Whittaker, 18, said: “I asked my dad for some advice about sex and now he hasn’t come out of the shed for three days.”