The man's guide to commenting on women's bodies online

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.  

Offer constructive criticism

Something you might encounter is women not adhering to unrealistic beauty standards. They may be over a certain arbitrary weight – for example, larger than a professional model – or have common features of the human body, like hair. This is unacceptable, so explain they are too fat or hairy so they can do something about it. They’ll thank your for it later.

Compliment them with sexual comments

If a woman is even slightly curvaceous, it’s your duty to make a grossly inappropriate comment. Compliment them on their ‘funbags’, or boost their self-esteem by saying you would definitely have sex with them. Make sure it is completely unprompted because ladies love surprises.

Police female celebrities ruthlessly

It’s your job to make sure famous women don’t ‘let themselves go’ or show signs of getting older. You’re just generously helping their careers, and rest assured millionaire A-list actors like Kate Beckinsale do diligently take notes from Daily Mail comments. 

Educate lesbians

It’s shocking, but there are women who think they aren’t attracted to men. These ‘lesbians’ obviously just haven’t met the right guy, so help them out. An unsolicited dick pic is a great way of showing them what they’re missing.

Bring them down

If a woman appears to be feeling good about herself, put a stop to it immediately. Also feel free to tell them ‘Men don’t like it when women do that’ if they’re doing something unfeminine like drinking a pint. They’ll appreciate it when they’re not a lonely old spinster in an untidy flat smelling of cat piss.

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Dog really not sure who left massive dog shit in living room

A DOG has confirmed that he has no leads on the source of the huge dog turd currently steaming on the living room carpet.

Black Labrador puppy Ollie expressed his shock at the incident, which prompted a stern interrogation from his owners. 

He said: “It’s really unfortunate that this has happened, but I don’t see what it has to do with me.

“I mean, yes, I am a dog. Yes, I produce dog shits. But is it really helpful for anyone if we just jump to conclusions?

“Have they explored any other avenues? Have they checked local media for reports of a sick individual leaving warm dog shits in people’s homes?  

“I really wish I could help them get to the bottom of this, but I’ve got nada. They seem pretty aggravated about it, though. Maybe a walk would help?”

Ollie’s owner Lauren Hewitt said: “It’s not the dog shit I’m angry about, it’s the lies. But I am also angry about the dog shit.”