Agree a wanking schedule: Your guide to going back to working from home

BOUGHT a pricey mask, got a Pret subscription, risked your life on public transport – only to be sent home from the office? Here’s how to cope with working in the kitchen again.

Take everything from the office home with you

Pick up all the files you might conceivably need for the next year. You might also like to take all the pens, handy things like scissors, the petty cash and the coffee machine if you can fit it in your bag. 

Immediately do less work

Now the novelty of working from home has worn off your motivation should dip accordingly. Ignore emails and stay in bed until half 10 if you like. You’re facing six months of isolation and awkward Zoom meetings so you can’t be expected to be enthusiastic.

Get out of tasks due to the ‘uncertainty’

Inform clients and colleagues that you won’t be able to commit to anything until track-and-trace is working, which could be never. It’s only fair to be straight with them, and coincidentally it means you can spend more time watching Homes Under the Hammer.

Tell everyone else in your household to f**k off

As people rush back to home working there’ll be a fight for kitchen table space, and you’ll need to be assertive. Don’t bother with passive-aggressive pleasantries about ‘hot desking’ this time.

Get a really nice chair

Use all the money you saved not buying flat whites to purchase a throne-like armchair. Imagining you’re a king in a medieval fantasy novel will lift your spirits as 3.30pm sunsets begin. Just don’t get carried away and threaten to have annoying colleagues tortured to death.

Get a proper wanking schedule agreed

If working from home had one real upside, it was being able to rub one out whenever you liked. With everything going to shit again, you’ll need that serotonin boost more regularly – get it written into your contract before your boss kicks the bucket in the second wave.

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New Covid tracing app gives you Covid, admits Hancock

THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid. 

More than 400,000 people have already downloaded the NHS app which uses Bluetooth to track users but also, doctors have realised just slightly too late, infects you with coronavirus. 

Health minister Matt Hancock said: “First of all, before the usual carping, let me state that this app is a world-beating success. 

“It tracks users without violating their privacy and allows us to instantly alert them if they’ve been in a location where Covid has been detected. The technology works. There’s just this one tiny glitch. 

“In a process we’re still investigating, the virus somehow translates to digital form and back meaning that all users’ smartphones, and indeed the cells of their body, are infected. So when the app says ‘Infection confirmed’ that’s not a bug. 

“On the positive side, we’re getting some fantastic data. Yes, we’ve doubled the number of UK infections and it’s only 11am, but you should see the screens in Dom’s control centre light up.” 

Hancock added: “I think it’s especially sad that Labour have condemned this app and said it should be shut down. What a slap in the face for frontline NHS nurses.”