Man assures wife he would only cheat with someone he really, really fancied

A HUSBAND has reassured his wife that he would only be unfaithful to her with someone extremely attractive. 

Martin Bishop, who has been happily married for over a decade, has told his partner that unlike some fickle men who leap at the chance to shag anything that moves, he would only cheat with someone way more attractive than her.

He said: “I was horrified to read about Maroon 5’s singer Adam Levine putting himself about. His wife’s a no-question-ten and these girls? None of them come close.

“What an idiot. Like I said to Katie, I’d never ruin a wonderful relationship unless it was to bone someone world-class gorgeous. Not someone who’s barely an improvement.

“If Megan Fox wants it from a 42-year-old ventilation engineer? I’m there. If Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s propping up the bar at The George? I’ll try my hand. If Jo Kramer’s in Tesco Extra still as hot as she was at school? My marriage vows are on pause.

“But anything less than that, and my unwavering loyalty and fidelity are assured. I don’t think any red-blooded man could offer more.”

Wife Katie Bishop said: “Bollocks. Looks like it’s up to me to end this f**king marriage then.”

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'And if you could just forget that we tried to abolish that tax rate in the first place, thanks'

THE Conservatives have U-turned on abolishing the 45p tax rate on condition that all voters forget about it as if it never happened. 

Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng announced this morning that they listened, they get it, the tax rate is staying, it was always staying, no announcement about its abolition was ever made and anyone who remembers one is wrong.

He continued: “The rich? We don’t favour the rich. Where did you get that idea from?

“No, our fiscal event favoured everyone equally. We certainly wouldn’t abolish the top rate of tax, making it abundantly clear we’re governing for the wealthy before partying with them at a champagne reception. That never took place.

“The prime minister said she was 100 per cent behind the move on TV yesterday? It was on the BBC so it’s obvious fake, though the bits about her being strong, resolute and not for turning weren’t.

“As we head into a winter of unaffordable bills, of rising mortgage payments, of massive cuts to public services, of strikes and school closures and blackouts, please remember that the Tories did not and never said they would abolish the top rate of tax.

“That should make all the difference.”