PRIME minister Liz Truss has fed every one of the 4,000 people attending the Conservative party conference by miraculously growing a pie.
After being let down by caterers who had traitorously gone bust, attendees feared they would go hungry until Truss demonstrated her incredible powers by growing a pie to more than 300ft across.
The prophet Kwarteng said: “And the people were hungry, but there was no food, and lo there was much gnashing of teeth as dissension fomented in the ranks.
“And Liz stepped forward and commanded she be brought a pie, an ordinary pie such as those she was familiar with from her harsh Yorkshire childhood.
“A pie was brought measuring no more than a few inches. But Liz laid her magical instruments of growth – her own, market-blessed hands – on the pie and it commenced to swell and swell until it filled the whole of Hall Three.
“There was enough pie for everyone, and the pie was all things to all people whether they desired steak-and-kidney, chicken-and-leek or even a key lime pie. The miracle happened, the Tories were fed, and the faithful doubted no more.”
Attendee Julian Cook said: “Yeah, but by the time the ERG, the lobbyists and all the City boys had finished gorging there were only scraps left.”
