Liz Truss feeds entire party conference by growing pie

PRIME minister Liz Truss has fed every one of the 4,000 people attending the Conservative party conference by miraculously growing a pie. 

After being let down by caterers who had traitorously gone bust, attendees feared they would go hungry until Truss demonstrated her incredible powers by growing a pie to more than 300ft across.

The prophet Kwarteng said: “And the people were hungry, but there was no food, and lo there was much gnashing of teeth as dissension fomented in the ranks.

“And Liz stepped forward and commanded she be brought a pie, an ordinary pie such as those she was familiar with from her harsh Yorkshire childhood.

“A pie was brought measuring no more than a few inches. But Liz laid her magical instruments of growth – her own, market-blessed hands – on the pie and it commenced to swell and swell until it filled the whole of Hall Three.

“There was enough pie for everyone, and the pie was all things to all people whether they desired steak-and-kidney, chicken-and-leek or even a key lime pie. The miracle happened, the Tories were fed, and the faithful doubted no more.”

Attendee Julian Cook said: “Yeah, but by the time the ERG, the lobbyists and all the City boys had finished gorging there were only scraps left.”

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35-year-old who never left home sees all his life choices vindicated

A 35-YEAR-OLD who never moved out of his parents’ house is pleased to see the economy confirm all his choices were the right ones.

Tom Logan is enjoying seeing all his peers with mortgages and children panicking about how they will afford to live while his lifestyle will remain unchanged.

He said: “Who’s the failure now, dickheads? And who’s sitting pretty having made none of the wrong moves?

“Mortgage payments going up? Not here. Mum and dad paid it off in 2006. Bills unaffordable? No problem when you pay a third of them based on 2020-levels. Inflation? I’ll bung the olds an extra tenner a week for the big shop.

“Worried about losing your fancy job? Should have stuck with working at Domino’s like I did. They could sack me tomorrow, I wouldn’t fuss. There’s plenty of minimum-wage positions out there.

“Sorry you can’t afford your kids’ nursery. I can afford to get new PS5 games as soon as they’re out. Sorry you can’t run a car. I can afford to sink six pints down the pub every night. Looks like the last laugh’s on you.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “He’s still a f**king loser. But currently I am struggling to explain how.”