Man believes cheap flowers will lead to sex

A MAN wrongly believes a manky bunch of supermarket flowers will lead to a thrilling sexual experience.

Office worker Nathan Muir has failed to realise his girlfriend feels the small and slightly grimy Valentine’s Day bouquet is worth a handjob at best.

Muir said: “These flowers cannot fail to lead to a night of mind-blowing sex to cement our relationship. And they only cost £1.15 while I was buying a sandwich for lunch.” 

However girlfriend Helen Archer said: “How much did they cost? About a quid? They may as well have a bright red removable sticker on saying ‘Manual Relief Equivalent’.

“How much effort does it take to get roses? Not as much as effort as me taking part in prolonged and interesting sex, which I won’t be.

“So I can confirm Nathan will be getting something exactly like the flowers – uncaring, dashed off and instantly forgettable. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Muir added: “Shit. Is it worth me nipping to the garage and getting a box of Ferrero Rocher, or will she see through that and it’ll just be me and the laptop?”

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Food stuffed in your face while cooking still counts, say experts

FOOD consumed while you are cooking still counts as food, nutritionists have claimed.

Members of the public were taken aback by the news that items gobbled down while preparing meals are genuine food and could even make you fat.

Keen amateur chef Nikki Hollis said: “This can’t be right. I take a nibble here and there while I’m cooking but that’s not eating, it’s ‘sampling’.

“Even if food you eat while cooking somehow contains calories, I’m burning them off with all the stirring. It’s a workout in the kitchen. A workout with wine.”

Hollis admitted she had polished off an entire block of cheddar the previous night while making macaroni cheese – necessitating a trip to the shop to buy more – but did so in “really thin slices” so it did not count.

However experts confirmed that these calories, despite being eaten standing up near a cooker or chopping board, still functioned in the same way as others.

Nutritionist Tom Booker said: “You are not ‘tasting’ the stew if you’ve eaten six potatoes, three sausages, half the sauce and an unrelated packet of cooked prawns you saw in the fridge.”

Hollis said she would bear this in mind, but until there was more scientific evidence would continue to eat a family-sized bar of dark chocolate while baking a cake.