Man did not realise he would be acting as girlfriend's professional photographer

A MAN did not know that having the skills of a professional photographer would be a necessary requirement for a successful romantic relationship.

Jack Gardner thought that he would be judged on criteria such as fidelity, kindness and size of genitalia rather than whether he understood lighting, filters and the best angle to take a picture from to make someone look thin.

Gardner said: “Every time we step out of the house she’s looking for beautiful backdrops or quirky shops or shadowy doorways to be photographed in front of. It takes us ages just to get to the Sainbury’s at the bottom of the road for some shopping as I have to take 300 pictures of her on the way.

“Obviously I’m happy to take a few snaps of Sophie as a record of our relationship, but she’s expecting me to be Mario Testino rather than a bloke with an iPhone and zero idea what her ‘aesthetic’ is.”

Sophie Rodriguez said: “He’s useless at taking photos so I’m going to dump him. Which is fine, as the miserable break up shots will look better as selfies anyway.”

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You Are What You Eat: TV shows that proved the noughties were a cultural hole

BEFORE we reached the heights of the current golden age of television, Britain made some shows that were void of decency, humour or sophistication. Like these:

Balls of Steel

Taking the Jackass concept and stripping it of all charm, this forgettable hidden camera concept featured Z-listers performing a series of half-arsed pranks. Marc Dolan’s interviews were full of phrases like ‘Fancy a bum?’ which were inoffensive and the peak of humour back then, and probably still acceptable in his current role as a GB News presenter.

Hole In the Wall

Japanese game show culture got lost in translation when the BBC ran its own version of Lycra-clad idiots contorting themselves through polystyrene shapes over a swimming pool. Dale Winton looked admirably indifferent to what he was hosting and Joe Swash was just happy to be made a captain of something. The phrase ‘Bring on the wall!’ lives on, if only as a chucklesome memory of a programme that was bafflingly shit.

The Jeremy Kyle Show

Our version of Jerry Springer poked fun at the lower classes with made-up stories of tracksuited men sleeping with three sisters at the same time. It was an uncomfortable circus sideshow where a furious Alan Partridge-type took the dubious moral high ground and threatened lie detector tests like a medieval torture device. After neglecting the well-being of its participants to a horrifying extent, it got mercifully cancelled.

Naked Jungle

Channel 5 have never been shy of a tawdry show that prizes seedy titillation above interesting content. Naked Jungle saw a stark bollock naked Keith Chegwin presiding over what was essentially a nude version of The Crystal Maze, soiling viewer’s eyes and any remaining shred of Cheggers’ dignity in the process. Thank Christ there was only one episode.

You Are What You Eat

All anyone remembers about this show is that not-actually-a-real-doctor Doctor Gillian McKeith made participants poo in a plastic box before having to look at all the food they ate in a week laid out on a table while she called them fat bastards. Luckily McKeith doesn’t feature in the kinder, more thoughtful reboot of the series, having moved on to a career as an anti-vax loon on Twitter.

10 Years Younger

In a time where body shaming was fine, Channel 4 went the extra mile to make people think plastic surgery was the first logical resort to having a muffin top. After body-conscious people were ogled at like zoo animals, a Bond villain doctor would draw haphazard surgery lines in Sharpie all over them, while sarcastic stylist Nicky Hambleton-Jones rolled her eyes behind designer spectacles at their godawful dress sense. Terrifying.