Man divides his age by two, adds seven, ignores result

A MAN debating whether to date a younger woman has done the necessary calculations then asked her out anyway.

Having realised that his 24-year-old colleague Kelly Howard might be a bit too young for him, 40-year-old Tom Booker ran the precautionary numbers before pausing and mentally binning their findings.

He said: “F**k it, it’s not a proper mathematical equation like Pythagoras’ theorem. It’s more of an advisory thing that everyone ignores, like best-before dates.

“I probably forgot to carry a one somewhere or did the addition at the wrong point in the calculation. Is it supposed to be before or after division? No one remembers how to do complex sums like that after secondary school, not even Kelly who was there relatively recently.

“The heart wants what it wants. Which in my case is a woman in her physical prime. Why should something as trifling as societal expectations stand in my way? I’m not doing anything wrong, legally. I checked.

“If it were the other way round then everyone would be praising her for being a cougar who snagged a toy boy. It’s a flimsy defence, I admit, but I’ve got to get ahead of other people and the nagging voice in my head which is already calling me a creep.”

Howard said: “I don’t care about Tom’s age. Height and salary are the numbers that really matter.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Talk dirty about the Corn Laws: How to have a Regency period sex life like in Bridgerton

BRITONS love the sex in period dramas, particularly the frantic shagging in Bridgerton, set in the Regency era. Here’s how to recreate the years 1811-1820 in your own bedroom.

Experiment with Regency sexual positions

To be honest there was only missionary, but if you’re a modern couple who feel under pressure to be sexually adventurous it’ll make a pleasant change to have boring sex that’s quickly over without incident and you can go to sleep. 

Talk dirty about the Corn Laws

These made it too expensive to import grain, increasing the price of bread and causing food riots. Protectionist tariffs aren’t the most promising basis for a sexual fantasy, so you’re going to have to use your imagination. Maybe you, the male partner, are a wealthy, well-fed aristocrat, and your partner is a starving peasant wench desperate for a nibble on your big, hard loaf? 

Think of Mary Shelley during sex (men)

Making sex more fulfilling by imagining someone famous instead of your partner is a challenge because there weren’t many celebrities to fantasise about before films and TV. Mary Shelley was definitely famous, although a bit stern and Gothic-looking if you’re more used to Margot Robbie. Also, try not to inadvertently think about her most famous creation, because you don’t want to start associating dismembered body parts with having an orgasm, for many reasons.

Think of George IV during sex (women)

The same idea but with the most famous male celebrity of the era, King George IV. He’s no oil painting, although he was in loads of oil paintings, but he was a trendsetter in arts, culture and fashion, a bit like Harry Styles. If he’s not doing anything for you in the groin area you can always just fantasise about going clothes shopping with him.

Use authentic contraception of the time 

Sexy and educational. A variety of condoms were available, including sheep gut and ones made of linen. A few shags with the latter and it’s unlikely any man will ever whinge about Durex Fetherlite again. Alternatively women could try douching with a syringe of acid solution. It’s safe to say the sperms won’t be expecting an all-out chemical weapons attack.

Break the taboos of the 1800s

During foreplay, tell your partner you’ve begun to think the French are not bestial savages we should permanently be at war with. This would have been jolly shocking at the time. Or, at the point of climax, shout out: ‘I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD!’ if you dare.

Go full Regency role-play 

Thanks to steampunk wankers, Regency-type costumes are plentiful on Amazon. A few clicks and one low-cut dress and a Redcoat tunic later, and you’re the Duke of Wellington having his wicked way with sexy Jane Austen. If your girlfriend is a historical pedant she can be Kitty Packenham or Lady Caroline Lamb. She slightly resembled Emma Watson, and Wellington looked a bit like Avon from Blake’s 7, so this is an extremely hot fantasy.

Marry whoever you have sex with 

Sex outside wedlock was something you did on pain of being socially ostracised and burning in Hell forever. So you should marry anyone you’re planning to have sex with, even if it’s an unserious relationship in your 20s or a Tinder hook-up. Admittedly you’re then stuck with a partner you may have nothing in common with, or actively hate, but do you want Regency sex or not?