Man doesn’t realise first date was secret panel interview

A MAN does not realise that everything he said on a first date was vetted via text message by a select panel of his date’s friends.

Tom Booker went on a date with Emma Bradford, and, without his knowledge, her friends Sarah, Emily and Anna.

He said: “I think it went well. She was quite shy, though. Kept looking at her lap, and anxiously fiddling with her hands, especially after I’d tell her something impressive or intimidating, like the fact that I can get her my staff discount at Superdrug.

“She was really pretty. At times she’d even get this lovely blue-tinted glow about her.

“I’m not sure about her sense of humour though. She’s a bit slow on the uptake. Every time I told a joke, she’d look down for a minute or so before laughing.

“And then when I asked her on a second date, she ran to the loo for about three minutes before coming back and accepting. She must have been so nervous.”

Bradford’s friend, Emily, said: “On behalf of the whole panel, I’d like to congratulate Tom on scraping through to the second round.  We’re all really looking forward to spending more time with him next Tuesday at Franco Manca.”

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First black Britons chose to become white because it’s better, say racists

RACISTS have argued that the black Britons from the Mesolithic period changed to be white because it is better, and more should follow their example.

Bill McKay, from Swindon, insisted the DNA analysis that Cheddar Man had dark skin and blue eyes only proves that today’s immigrants need to try harder to fit in.

He said: “What this proves is that 10,000 years ago man moved here, had a look about, realised that being black wasn’t suitable and made a bit of an effort.

“A few generations of grey skies and potato-based diets and they were proper pasty like Britons have been since time immemorial, which now means about 9,975 years.

“They realised that being white looks good in clothes, more respectable and means it’s easier to see your tattoos.

“Also around this period I imagine they invented darts.”

McKay added: “You thought this ‘black indigenous Briton’ stuff would throw me? My racism’s smarter than that.”