Man down to two acceptable conversation topics with father-in-law

A MAN has seen the already limited areas of small talk he can engage his father-in-law in whittled down to just two, it has emerged.

After visiting for the weekend and making some controversial missteps, Nathan Muir has reduced five solid areas of chat down to just ‘the price of petrol’ and ‘cutting the grass’.

Muir said: “We’re here until Sunday night and we’ve already covered those, so now I’m just trying to avoid the grumpy old bastard until he goes out to play bowls with his equally grumpy old mates.

“We normally manage quite well chatting about cars and politics, but I made a few errors when we arrived this morning. Specifically, making a mild joke about Boris Johnson being trounced in the by-elections, and arriving in our new Citroën, which is apparently a ‘box of French shite’.

“These have joined the list of other topics we can no longer speak about which include football, religion, money, the Falklands, immigration, whether you need to call a gas engineer to fix a boiler, golf, The Two Ronnies and gender.”

Father-in-law Roy Hobbs said: “Tom’s actually a pretty knowledgeable and interesting man. I’m just pissed off he’s boning my only daughter.”

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Having a one-night stand to save the cab fare, and other awful ways to end a night out

GETTING pissed and vomiting in the gutter not a bad enough way to end a night out? Try these grim situations instead.

Having a one-night stand to save the cab fare

You’ve been out all evening, you’ve spent loads of money and you don’t want to blow another £40 on the taxi fare home. The solution? Pull someone, regardless of whether you like them or not, so you can spend the night at their house. You’ll either feel like a slut or a total bastard if they really like you, but one-night stands are always horrific so that’s a pretty good outcome.

Spending a night in the cells because you missed the last train

Missed the last train and don’t fancy either walking 20 miles home or sleeping in a bush? Commit a minor crime. It doesn’t have to be armed robbery, just insulting a police officer should be enough to get you a free, if terrifying, night in the cells. Obviously there’s also the involuntary version. See if you can dimly remember weeing in middle of a busy street and a load of flashing lights.

A trip to A&E for a sit down

Feeling a bit peaky after nine pints and three rounds of shots? Go to A&E and insist you’ve got alcohol poisoning. Nothing will happen because it takes six hours to be seen on a Friday night, but by the morning you’ll be sober and ready to go home. Sure, the nurses will give you dirty looks, but timewasters like you make sure there’s plenty of work for them.

Having to call your parents to pick you up

You’re a grown adult, old enough to drink and live in your own flat unsupervised, so you’re presumed sensible enough to be able to get home of an evening. Wrong. After losing your friends, your keys and your bank card on the dance floor of a sticky club your only option is to ring your dad and ask him to pick you up, then cringe at his disappointed silence all the way home.

Walking home alone crying

The miserable end to an evening par excellence. You buy a kebab, eat half of it before dropping the rest down your front, and stumble for miles weeping because you’ve got no one to go home with. There’s only one solution to this terrible loneliness – lots more boozy night outs!