DID certain TV shows leave you confused and even quite anxious as a child? Here are some you lacked the life experience to realise were bollocks.
What decade was it meant to be? The 1950s apparently, but it was suspiciously like the 1970s. Suzi Quatro’s glam rock look in particular was clearly not from the era of President Eisenhower. The confusion was so distracting you could never get into the show itself, which was just as well because it was shit.
Much-loved by TV nostalgia buffs, but you couldn’t work out why Johnny Morris made up tedious, rambling conversations with parakeets. His partner in crime, Terry Nutkins, was always on hand with an interminable description of penguins’ eating habits. Possibly the only animal programme in history that made children less excited about going to the zoo.
The Dukes of Hazzard
So many questions. Why did absolutely everything that Bo and Luke did involve their car? Your dad didn’t spend all day in his Mini Clubman. Why were the police the bad guys? Why did the Dukes all live together? What were General Lee and Dixie? Do Americans from rural areas normally shoot sticks of dynamite from bows? What was that strange feeling in your corduroy trousers when Daisy Duke was on?
The Adventure Game
Looked like it was for kids, due to guests like Derek Griffiths, but you needed a degree in physics to solve the first f**king puzzle. The value of a drogna is its position in the visible spectrum times the number of sides, so now you finally know. It’s just a shame the series finished 36 years ago.
This posed the question: HOW DID THEY MAKE THE MONSTERS SO TERRIFYINGLY REALISTIC? Answer: a small child’s brain can’t fully distinguish between reality and fantasy, which is why you shat yourself at the Autons etc. Now, of course, it’s obvious it was just bored, sweat-drenched extras in cheap costumes. The early Cybermen had lace-up shoes, for f**k’s sake.
After the structured, well-supervised, BBC-approved fun of Multi-Coloured Swap Shop, Tiswas was worryingly random. Even aged six the Phantom Flan Flinger was pretty tiresome. Who gave a shit if Annie Lennox got a bit of foam on her? It’s actually testament to your maturity and good taste that you weren’t interested in seeing Benny from Crossroads dicking around in an unfunny way.