Sunday, 9th August 2020

Man meets date for socially distanced stroll in the park like a Jane Austen novel

A MAN meeting a date for a stately stroll around blooming gardens without touching at any point feels like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, he has admitted. 

Jack Browne squired date Charlotte Phelps around Lyme Park remarking on sights like oak trees and deer while occasionally checking he was in the right century.

He said: “We met after exchanging flirty messages on Hinge, which is basically the modern age version of love letters. Except with more aubergine emojis.

“Her family didn’t approve of me because I was lacking in good fortunes, which I assume is code for being a banker. Sadly I work in IT, hardly worthy of her exceptional dowry.

“She brought scones and we sat on a blanket in the park, making complex innuendos about flower names. I found it immensely erotic that she’d come without a chaperone.

“When we sat down I caught a flash of well-turned ankle, which did more for me than any of the hours upon hours of depraved porn I’ve watched these last few months.

“Sadly the date was cut short as it began to rain extremely lightly, it got under her corset, and she instantly died of consumption. Oh well. That’s dating in 2020.”