Man meets date for socially distanced stroll in the park like a Jane Austen novel

A MAN meeting a date for a stately stroll around blooming gardens without touching at any point feels like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, he has admitted. 

Jack Browne squired date Charlotte Phelps around Lyme Park remarking on sights like oak trees and deer while occasionally checking he was in the right century.

He said: “We met after exchanging flirty messages on Hinge, which is basically the modern age version of love letters. Except with more aubergine emojis.

“Her family didn’t approve of me because I was lacking in good fortunes, which I assume is code for being a banker. Sadly I work in IT, hardly worthy of her exceptional dowry.

“She brought scones and we sat on a blanket in the park, making complex innuendos about flower names. I found it immensely erotic that she’d come without a chaperone.

“When we sat down I caught a flash of well-turned ankle, which did more for me than any of the hours upon hours of depraved porn I’ve watched these last few months.

“Sadly the date was cut short as it began to rain extremely lightly, it got under her corset, and she instantly died of consumption. Oh well. That’s dating in 2020.”

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Sign our petition for Marcus Rashford to win the Premier League

MARCUS Rashford is a hero who’s given Britain hope. And now it’s time for us to give back, by making him sole winner of the 2019/20 Premier League. 

This modest man of humble origins has always dreamed of one day holding the Premier League trophy aloft, so why make him wait?

Carpers have complained that Liverpool are on course to win the Premier League, with 27 wins in 29 games and a 25-point lead. But come on.

Liverpool have won the league loads of times. Liverpudlians love a charitable cause. They’ll gladly step aside to give this exceptional young man his due, and won’t mind in the least.

And don’t worry Liverpool fans, even though Rashford is a Manchester United player this trophy won’t be going to your hated rivals. Instead, in an unprecedented move, this year’s winner will for the first time be one man.

Like Harry Potter in Hogwarts, Rashford will be awarded 150 points just for being his wonderful self. He will lift the trophy in a neutral venue and embark on a one-man socially-distanced open-top bus tour of the whole country.

He’s already the nation’s champion. Let’s make it official. Sign our petition today. Until he says something about racism and suddenly we turn on him and call him a naïve, foolish, spoilt little boy.