A MAN has realised that only the crap friends he never talks to anyway live near enough to visit safely.
Stephen Malley said: “Seeing as I can’t hop on a train it’s slim pickings. I’m reduced to work colleagues and neighbours, neither of whom I’d usually be arsed to struggle through a conversation with.
“In normal circumstances their dullness could be diluted by other mates with personality. But a one-on-one meeting with these bores would be worse than sitting at home by myself watching Bargain Hunt again.
“I couldn’t even drink my way through it because there’s a very real chance I’d tell them our friendship is a miserable lie built entirely on proximity.”
Neighbour Nikki Hollis said: “I’m so desperate to avoid having to be friends with Stephen just because he lives next door that I’ve started licking shopping trolley handles.”
