Man terrified of consequences after winning argument with girlfriend

A MAN proved right in a minor argument with his girlfriend is living in dread of the price he will have to pay.

Tom Logan’s momentary euphoria at being correct quickly evaporated and was replaced by horror when he realised how stupid he had been.

He said: “Last night Emma said ‘Don’t forget the plumber’s coming to service the boiler on Wednesday’ but I was sure it was the week after. So, like a twat, I said so. 

“We spent a minute or so contradicting each other before I sealed my fate by providing incontrovertible evidence – a text from the plumber confirming the date and time. 

“I realised immediately it was a mistake. That night there was an icy coldness in the way we sat silently fiddling with our phones. When we went to bed she sulkily went to sleep straight away and I realised there was no chance of a shag for the foreseeable future, maybe forever. 

“I should’ve kept quiet then rung the plumber and made him fit in with the incorrect date Emma thought it was. That’s the normal, correct thing to do. Now I’ve ruined everything.”

Logan’s girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “I admit I was wrong, but that in no way justifies Tom thinking he is right.

“When the plumber arrives I ought to shag him right there in our bed while Tom looks on impotently. That’ll wipe the smug grin off his face, although to be honest he’s mainly looked terrified since yesterday.”

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Billie Piper, and five other celebrities who didn't deserve a bellend like that

THE warm and good-hearted people of these islands like to see our celebrities suffer for the crime of being famous, but don’t feel they deserved these relationships:

Billie Piper

The unsavoury penchant for strawberry blondes notwithstanding, Laurence Fox must have seemed a safe harbour after Chris Evans. No more headline-chasing controversy with a vainglorious knobhead obnoxiously inserting himself into the national discourse; just a nice, quiet, respectable actor. Until she found herself muttering ‘F**k, not again’ in early 2020.

Samantha Fox

The 16-year-old boob model – a phrase that caused no alarm in 1983 – went out with Australian conman Peter Foster whose conman career foundered due to the notoriety that comes with dating Britain’s barely-legal sweetheart. He was last seen reduced to conning Cherie Blair into some cheap flats.

Katie Perry

Though it’s hard not to harbour a grudge against Perry because of Roar, her punishment outweighed her crime. Even before the credible accusations it was unignorable that Russell Brand was a misogynist sack of shit in multiple leather belts. Few divorced women have ever been proved so right.

Peter Andre

A simple man who likes huge bosoms, the nation watched Peter fall in love in the jungle and then every painful moment of marriage to a woman who hated him, herself, and everyone else in that order and wasn’t shy to say so. Got out and pulled the sweet trick of remaining famous while not having to put up with any of that shit.

Kim Kardashian

After her ill-fated 11-minute marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries, Kim chose her next spouse carefully. Uniting the houses of California Reality and Chicago Hip Hop went well for a while until it really, really didn’t. She escaped intact before Kanye’s full cancellation, with four children to feed into the fame sausage machine.

Jamie Vardy

Hasn’t received a great deal of sympathy for it but f**king hell. Millions of your money gone on your wife making a tit of herself? None of your teammates coming round because they don’t want their glamorous Championship lifestyles exposed when she gets on the blower to the Leicester Mercury? The man’s a saint.