Teenage lumberjack would rather not talk about how his first day went

A 16-YEAR-OLD boy who started his lumberjacking career yesterday would rather you did not ask how his first day went.

Young tree feller Jack Browne is still recovering from a “mental” first day at work and would rather you talk to him about something else, like the football or his plans for the weekend.

He said: “Seriously, I get enough tree chat at the office. It’s all ‘sycamore’ this and ‘you’ve mutilated a beloved symbol of the North East’ that. It gets a bit repetitive.

“Plus I think the older guys played some sort of initiation prank on me. I had to drive way out to cut down my first tree, which I thought was a bit odd because it wasn’t in anybody’s way. Meanwhile they’re back there in the van pissing themselves.

“I thought I did a great job considering I’m inexperienced, but nobody has bothered to thank me. Maybe I should pack in this lumberjacking lark and go into plumbing. There’s probably more money in it.

“I left enough of the root so it can grow back in a few hundred years so I really don’t see what the big deal is. Anyway, can we see what’s on TV? Anything except the news is fine.”

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A woman's guide to meeting the exacting standards of Laurence Fox

DO you dream of going out with washed-up pub bore Laurence Fox? As you’d expect, he’s got very high standards, so here’s how to maximise your attractiveness to him.

Look your sexiest

Laurence’s tastes are pretty easy to guess: long hair for girls, short skirts and a decent display of tits to impress other blokes. So make an effort, ladies, even if Laurence himself typically wears unflattering skinny jeans, a camelhair coat that’s more Arthur Daley than fashionable, and way too much hair gel like the world’s oldest teenager.

Arrange to do something you’ll both enjoy 

A first date needn’t be something super-predictable like drinks in a pub or Pizza Express. Do something different, like a wine tasting, a trip to the zoo, or arranging LGBTQ+ flags in the shape of swastikas. It’s just so satisfying when you’ve managed to turn them into an entirely unrelated symbol of race hate, as Laurence will attest.

Play ‘top fives’

Comparing your top five films, foods, etc. is actually a pretty fun way to get to know someone. Simply claim that your top five TV shows are Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, and Lewis. Laurence is enough of an egotistical prick to believe this.

Ask him questions about himself

This is Dating 101, but it does work. Despite his more obvious faults, Laurence is also a f**king moron, so he won’t think you’re taking the piss if your questions are: ‘Why are you so amazing, Laurence?’, ‘When are you going to become prime minister?‘ and ‘Has Margot Robbie tried to sleep with you? No? I’m surprised. What about Taylor Swift?’

Play dumb 

Goodness knows where we got this idea, but Laurence probably enjoys mansplaining, so say things like: ‘I don’t understand politics. Can you explain it to me?’ Laurence will happily oblige. Just bear in mind he knows f**k all about anything, so fact-check any suspicious-sounding claims, eg. white people are illegal.

Don’t mention Billie Piper

It’s fine to talk about exes on a date, but it’s best to keep it lighthearted. Even Laurence, who has the self-awareness of a drain cover, realises that the question everyone is simply dying to ask is: ‘When exactly did Billie realise she was married to a massive cock?’

Have a sense of humour

It’s a cliche, but it is an appealing trait in a potential partner. The good thing about Laurence is that, like all right-wingers, his sense of humour will be incredibly stunted and based on things he agrees with rather than what’s actually funny. Just think of a devastating one-liner like ‘Sadiq Khan, what a f**king tosser!’ and Loz will consider you one of the comedy great like Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson or Bernard Manning again because there aren’t many right-wing comedians.

Do not question his opinions

That’s what Ava Evans did and look where it got her – she missed out on the chance of mind-blowing sex with hunky Laurence. She could have just agreed that the gender pay gap was made up, but now she’ll die a lonely old spinster, living a life of eternal regret at not becoming Mrs Laurence Fox #2.