The five secret WhatsApp groups you're not in

ARE people WhatsApping behind your back? Of course they are. See which of these furtive groups you’re excluded from and never knew existed.

The side family one

The family WhatsApp group makes mum feel she’s still in the loop, but the real action is in the side group your siblings started. Here you can talk about what a basket case your mum has become, post memes she’d think are ‘a bit rude’, and start planning who gets what when they die. Mum won’t know until it’s too late, ie. your brother’s outside waiting to give her a lift to the care home.

The mental health concern one

The group that splintered off from your friends’ group chat and is called something like ‘Is Clare okay?’ This started out of genuine concern for the friend who had seemed a bit down lately, but the longer it got left open the more it devolved into a group chat where you all take the piss out of your depressed friend, or ‘loony tunes Clare’, as you fondly refer to her.

The work one outside of the work one

‘Hey guys, thought I’d set up a WhatsApp group to make things easier’ is how the main work WhatsApp group started. ‘Colin is such a cocksucker’ is how the other group where you complain about workmates started. Guess which one is the more vibrant online community.

The desperate romantic one

You started messaging someone you fancy in the friend/work group in a side chat, but the conversation quickly fizzled out when they saw what you were up to. It remains open and unused, a testament to your failure and a reminder to never put yourself out there again.

The relationship intervention one

If you have a partner who possibly isn’t right for you, this is the group in which your friends discuss when enough is enough and whether they should finally tell you to ditch the bitch/bastard. They could use it for proper interventions if you have a drug or alcohol problem too, but that would require planning rather than just bitching about someone, plus they’re all hopeless pissheads themselves.

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Sunak on way to find out what's so great about this f**king 'Manchester'

THE prime minister is travelling to the so-called city of Manchester ahead of the Tory conference to see what all the fuss is about.

Having repeatedly ducked questions about whether he will axe HS2, Rishi Sunak has booked a helicopter to Manchester to see for himself whether it is worth connecting to anywhere else.

Sunak said: “How good can it be, really? Compared to London, which has everything, I suspect it’s a shithole. Prove me wrong, Manchester, prove me wrong.

“Tripadvisor says it’s got a cathedral and a few poxy museums. Big deal. You can’t move for them in the capital, plus we’ve got loads more Prets, Big Ben and the London Dungeon. It’ll have to try harder than that to impress me.

“And don’t get me started on the people. They’re violent, stupid, and frankly not terribly clean. I’ve seen them on Shameless. I had to turn it off after 20 minutes.

“Basically, is it worth hooking up ‘Manchester’ with a pricey train line, or should we just leave it well alone? 

“I’d understand if it was somewhere better, like St Ives, but I’m afraid I can’t justify the spending all that taxpayers’ money just to make life easier for the residents of Coronation Street.”