subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man wondering if he can ghost his wife

A MAN is wondering if the popular dating tactic of ‘ghosting’ would work on the wife of 12 years he shares a home and joint account with.

Martin Bishop came across the trend online and has been weighing up whether the passive-aggressive move would be an easy way to get out of the lifelong legal commitment he signed up to.

Bishop said: “It’s a bit logistically difficult as we’d still be living in the same house. Perhaps I could hide behind the sofa every time she comes home or live in the attic by day.

“Or I suppose I could move out and go stay at a mate’s, but it would probably take a few days to pack up my collection of mint prog rock vinyl. Donna would notice and that would remove the element of surprise, which seems quite crucial.

“Does it count as ghosting if you only talk through rude comments about each other you make to the children? Probably not.”

Donna Bishop said: “To be honest I’d be thrilled if he suddenly cut all contact with me and f**ked off without an explanation. I’d have a more sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationship with an actual ghost.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to compete with your lover's hot, sexy iPhone

DOES your partner cherish their phone more than you? Do they laugh more at Dwayne Johnson memes than your jokes? Here’s how to compete:

Loudly announce every tedious detail of the stuff happening in your life. For example, ‘Just had my THIRD Creme Egg of the day!’ ‘Watching The Responder – how good is it?’ ‘Car needs an MOT. Sigh’. It’s like IRL Facebook.

When you make a meal, hold it up close to their face so they can really admire it while you say inane bullshit like ‘nom, nom, nom’ and ‘foodgasm’.

Repeatedly ask them to sign petitions for everything, especially stuff no petition could ever affect.

Expose your genitals to them when they’re least expecting it.

Add a hashtag after everything you say. ‘What shall we have for dinner? Hashtag cosy meal for two?’

Ask them whether they want to buy a Peloton nine times every day.

Make them a play a game where they have to guess which five-letter word you’re thinking of and they’re only allowed six goes. Then ring their friends up to tell them how pathetically they did.

Yell your political opinions at them every ten minutes, preceded by the words ‘friendly reminder’. If they disagree, call them a fascist wanker and threaten to kill them.

Ask them fun questions like the name of their first pet then use the information to access their bank account and steal all of their money.

On their birthday, offer them a generic greeting that is just a manipulative way of getting them to buy something.

Keep a count of how many steps they are taking and reveal it to them at regular intervals.

Every hour, solemnly announce news headlines in the most panic-inducing way you can.

Every time they achieve anything at all give them a thumbs up.

Keep a photo album constantly by your side and show them random, badly taken pictures from the last eight years whenever they engage with you.

Every time you leave the room announce that you are taking a break from the lounge for a while for the good of your mental health.

Next story ›