PARENTS always have the same boring, easily fixed complaints about their kids. A non-parent explains how to avoid the obvious pitfalls:
They sleep badly
Parents are always banging on about being tired. Honestly, you’d think there was no such thing as industrial ear-defenders. Also, you’re bigger than your children, why not simply carry them back to their bedroom? If they try to escape, it’s nothing a bolt on the outside of the door won’t solve.
It’s a full time job just clearing up the mess
Then ask your tiny child to clear up after himself. If he has the dexterity to open your wardrobe, pull out every pair of pants you own and fling them down the toilet, surely he’s capable of fishing them out, popping them on a 60 degree wash and mopping the floor? It’s all a question of training.
They’re addicted to their devices
That’s because lazy parents put their children in front of screens instead of showing them how to entertain themselves in more wholesome ways. Personally, I would take the time to teach my imaginary children to do things like embrace the boredom and meditate on long car journeys, or play chess against themselves. How hard can it be?
They won’t sit still
The problem here is that parents just aren’t good enough at discipline. If I had kids, I’d simply make them do what I said. I’m not sure of the specifics, but it can’t be that hard. It’s not like children are real people with a will of their own.
They constantly need me
Do they? Surely this is all in the parent’s head. Your kids are clever enough to get you to buy them half the museum gift shop just by screaming, so they’re easily clever enough to use a sandwich toaster. You can definitely leave them to make their own tea while you pop to the pub. Being overprotective won’t help either you or them in the long term.
