Married couples more awkward after sex than one-night stands

MARRIED couples who have unexpectedly had sex are more awkward the next morning than total strangers, they have confirmed.

Studies found that couples who met between three and six hours before ramming their genitalia into each other could make breezy conversation the next morning, while couples who had been together for between three and 40 years were silent for up to a week.

Dr Helen Archer said: “When you don’t know someone’s name before going to town on their most intimate parts with your mouth, you’re able to shrug off the embarrassment. After all, you’re never going to see them again.

“But when you know everything from the name of their first hamster to their taste in wallpaper, it makes meeting their eye after having brought them to orgasm mortifying. How can you discuss parents’ evening with someone who came in you last night?

“The halting conversation and inward cringing can last for months. It’s no wonder married couples only have sex once a year. If that.”

Ryan Whittaker of Peterborough said: “My wife and I did it in March, and since then every conversation’s seemed like awkward, elephant-in-the-room avoiding small talk. The silences are agonising.

“By contrast I did the barmaid at my local in the alley where they stack the kegs last week, and our conversation’s flowed as if it never happened.”

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Man doing week of revision so he can enjoy new Marvel film

A MAN is preparing to see the latest Marvel blockbuster by spending 96 hours rewatching previous films from the franchise.

Stephen Malley has been working up to enjoying Dr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness by desperately cramming other Marvel media so he has a vague clue what the f**k is going on.

Malley said: “I love the intricacies of the Marvel Cinematic Universe but it’s so complicated that, unless you’ve got an excellent memory and a lot of time on your hands, it’s also a massive ball-ache.

“To fully understand the new one I need to refresh myself on the last Dr. Strange as well as Spider-Man: No Way Home, Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame and the first X-Men film, even though it isn’t strictly MCU canon. If we’re being picky, which I am.

“I should also rewatch both Loki and Wandavision, which together come in at about ten hours. I’ve got to work this week but I could do it overnight if I drank enough coffee. Or maybe I should get some cocaine?

“A friend has given me a bundle of 72 comics to look at as well, which at least I can read while stuck in traffic or having a crap. It’ll be fine. I can do it.”

Malley’s friend Tom Booker said: “Stephen fell fast asleep five minutes into the film. Some fan he is.”