Woman turns down soulmate because he's a Gemini

A FERVENT believer in astrology has rejected the man who is her soulmate due to some bollocks about him being a Gemini.

After initially hitting it off after matching on Tinder, Lauren Hewitt turned down another meeting with Nathan Muir – who is perfect for her in every conceivable way – due to the date he was born.

Hewitt said: “Sure, he’s tall, gorgeous, kind, a human rights lawyer, owns a holiday home in Tuscany and exclusively watches women’s football, but the zodiac never lies.

“The fact that we shared an undeniably electric sexual chemistry, made each other laugh, and both live locally counts for nothing. It would never work. My astrologer told me I need to look for a Taurus.

“Am I prepared to let some unproven theories about the coincidental alignment of the stars on the day someone was born get in the way of my chances of future happiness? Absolutely.

“It’s successfully guided me in life so far, apart from the fact that I’m terminally single and hate my job as a nurse even though being a Scorpio means I’m meant to be fine with blood. I’ll keep believing.”

Nathan Muir said: “I can’t believe I’ve been cock-blocked by a celestial body.”

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Crapping in first class: how to get maximum value for your train fare

ARE you incensed by the amount you have to pay for a journey on a rubbish British train? Here’s how to rinse the experience for every penny.

Take a crap in first class

You pay a f**king fortune for the privilege of travelling from A to B, so you might as well make the most of it by using the fanciest facilities. Though the first class bogs might not technically be any different to the rest of the train, they have been shat in a by a higher class of person and will therefore presumably be marginally less disgusting.

Put your huge suitcase on the seat next to you

Why should you have the inconvenience of hefting your heavy bag onto the luggage rack? You’ve paid enough for your seat, so you may as well take up the one next to you as well. And if someone wants an argument about it you’re already so pissed off about the expense and discomfort of your journey that you’ll probably just punch them.

Plug in every device you own

Your electricity bills at home are through the roof, so make the most of your train journey by charging your devices while you travel. If your trip is long enough you could set up a small home office, including a printer and coffee machine. The on-board wifi will still be shit though.

Engage the ticket inspector in a very long conversation

Making new friends is hard, so it’s good to make conversation with new people whenever you can. Embarking on a 30-minute discussion about current affairs with the ticket inspector will do wonders for your social life, even if she’s pissed off and desperate to get on with her job.

Annoy some strangers

It’s not often you’re trapped in a confined space with some strangers for a couple of hours, so make the most of the opportunity to really get on their tits. Play some crap music, have a loud conversation, fart repeatedly: whatever makes you feel you’ve got your money’s worth.