'Men can't have female friends' claims man who's never had one

A MAN who has never been able to befriend a woman assumes it is a universal rule applicable to the rest of humanity, it has emerged.

Tom Logan of Uttoxeter is adamant that two people of the opposite sex are unable to mix except in a sexual or romantic setting, based on his own personal experience.

He said: “Shagging? Yes. Long, drawn-out flirtations that will inevitably lead to shagging unless the male is dismissed from work on a technicality? Yes.

“But no woman has ever even tried to pursue a friendship with me, nor I with them, for the simple reason that it’s not possible. Our brains are too different.

“Women aren’t capable of discussing subjects men care about, like football, lager, war and tits. Maybe a woman could be friends with a flamboyant gay man or a man with a butch lesbian, but even that’s pushing it. I reckon sex would still be bubbling below the surface.”

Friend Nathan Muir said: “The only man I know who can’t be friends with women is Tom, because he never speaks to them except to ask them out.

“My girlfriend thought he was really shy. He isn’t. He just can’t think of anything to say to a girl that isn’t ‘Do you fancy going back to mine?’ or ‘Nice arse’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dentist horrified to learn you've been using your teeth to eat food

YOUR dentist is disgusted to hear that rather than living off a diet of toothpaste you have been befouling your mouth with food and drink.

Dr Denys Finch Hatton, who has been in the profession for decades, has never heard of someone having such blatant disregard for their oral health.

He continued: “There’s no point lying to me. I can tell you’ve been eating.

“This sesame seed lodged in your molars tells me all I need to know. You’ve been chowing down on a burger, gnashing and grinding to get the foodstuff into smaller, more easily-digestible chunks. I suppose you didn’t think I’d notice.

“Even worse, I found a tiny cavity in one of these upper canines that could only be caused by dangerous consumption, possibly of sugar. Why, for God’s sake, when Corsodyl is right there?”

Patient Stephen Malley said: “I floss twice a day and visit the hygienist twice a year, a regime he described as ‘sickeningly neglectful’.

“Before I left, he told to stop smiling because the UV rays from sunlight might damage my enamel. He’s the expert. From now on, I’m getting all my nutrients through a drip.”